Ai's Diary

i think i'm falling in love again
or is it just another illusion?

11.21pm
pls msg me...

watch ninja assinsin today
hmm...all the body got cut off and blood spurring is kinda scary
tho i did get used to it after half way through the movie n kinda enjoyed the action
today feels good...
no heart pain...
didn't think of him much
almost didn't think of him
now thinking that i didn't think oh him only
i'm crapping again..lol...
anyway...today i'm happy cause i'm went out
and had mcd ice cream n fries
hehe...i'm happy...
keep saying that i'm happy only
cause i'm happy today
haiya...ai stop la
hehe...

2.09am
sleepy but dun wanna sleep yet

i am happy

gonna go out and do stuff these few days

tried out new things and get some fresh air

it’s time for a change and a new life

life is about taking risk right?

maybe i’ll get something good out of it

 

i am getting better and i will recover…

i baked cupcakes today…

it’s an improvement for me

i’m going out today

staying in ampang…maybe…

if my sis pick up the phone

 

wish me luck k my friends

then i’ll tell my dirty little secret

:P

 

11.50am

slept from 10.30pm yesterday to 2.45pm today

that’s a lot of hours of sleep…i am officially a pig…xD

 

i was dreaming

i was in another world

there’s something bad going to happen

everyone was running away

i was running away

trap in an elevator

in a shopping mall

bad guys with swords n guns

hide under clothes rack

then there was jungle

and sea monsters

it was complicated

jumping here n there

can’t really tell if i was part of all these or i’m just a by stander

but i can’t wake up

as if that world kept holding me back

or maybe i didn’t want to come back

it’s scares me sometimes when i can’t wake up

 

3.36pm

feel like hugging everyone tightly

feel like healing zen’s,lixia’s and my bleeding heart

if only i have the power to do so…

thank you ck for listening

thank you yuki for advising

really grateful to have friends like you people

really thank you very very very much yuki

 

i will take it day by day

everything will be just fine

they believe in me,i believe in me…

i am happy,i can do this!!!

 

i hope everyone else who has a broken heart will be ok too

 

10.37pm

nitez

the hot shower was warm and nice

it reminds me of jacob when he said ‘i am 108°’

it’s been so long since anyone hug me nor kiss me

i want to feel the warmth again but could only get it from my shower

was it water dripping down my face or was it tears of pain?

please just put your arms around me and hug me tightly and let me cry,anyone?

 

7.35pm

just finished my shower

missing an edward

wanting a jacob

for now

i have nothing left to say

i just want to cry out loud

as hard as i could till all the pain is gone

till my heart stop bleeding drops of fresh red blood

 

why the world have to change?

why people have to change?

why you have to change?

 

6.42pm

just got back from pavilion

need some time alone to cry

need my own jacob to lend a shoulder for me to cry on

but i still wish for edward

if you know what i mean…

crap!!!

was waken up by calls from a wrong caller person at 7.50am

crap!!!

why this person keep calling back

crap!!!

this means i slept roughly 3 hours ONLY!!!

i still need to go out today leh…

argh!!!crap!!!crap!!!crap!!!

attend a tea party at ‘gardens’ at 1 utama with angie and ezen

it was a clinique tea party organized by clinique for the beautiful shannon

thanks for inviting us shannon…

enjoyed it very much…^^

we learned some make up skills which i still sucks in it after attending so many talks

got some ballons from the tea party too

yeah!!!

was so happy

like small kid…

 

walked all around 1 utama holding those balloons while people staring at ezen and me

loves to be center of attraction sometimes…haha…

there was one passer by who said "小心飞走掉啊"

so swt…

why la you all treat me like this?

i not that thin la ok…

remember last time got once shane tried to "blow" me

so sarcastic…

 

we went for movie too…

what movie i can’t tell yet…

it’s our little secret…

brought our balloons into the cinema…

was so scared people curi my balloons when i left it at the back

then when leaving the worker said “your birthday kah?”

 

then there was this japanese boy who ran up to angie and ask

"are you japanese?"

so suddenly only

but that boy looks so cute!!!

short a bit young a bit

i think around 16-17 years old maybe

but he is sun tanned

not bad at all

 

then there was one small kid who came up to me and said

"姐姐你的气球哪里拿的？"

at last i gave him one ballon

wuwu~~my ballons…

then there’s one P1 promoter who asked a balloons from me

if he handsome enough i’ll give him

but unfortunately…

haha…

my eyes now loves to look at guys lately

especially those leng zhai cool cool one

haha…

i’m a normal girl

i love to look at guys too

blek…xD

 

we were stuck at 1 utama

no transport to go home

3 brainless girls plan to go but never plan how to get back home

at last called thian hoe and ask for help

lucky he agreed to give us a ride after much persuasion

all that by just tempting him to eat at BRJ

hmm…BRJ…the mamak at wangsa maju

the place near your house

was so scare to see you there

but at the same time wanted to see you there

passed by your condo and the mc d we used to go

was thinking what i will do when i see you

hehe…i will do crazy things

i want to kiss you as long as i can

then i want to pour teh o ice limao all over

damn it…i really miss you so much

 

i am happy today

thanks to my friends

and a crazy day out again

tomorrow going out again with lily and shanice

my third time to pavilion this week

but got warning from my sister just now

been coming back late these few days

haiz…i just want to be happy

go out and be crazy makes me happy

and makes me stop emo-ing

sienz…

haiz…

 

~clinique~

 

~ezen,me and angie~

 

~me~

 

~my darling ezen and me~

 

 

~me~

~love this picture very much,look not bad in it..:)~

 

~my balloons!!!~

 

~me and the gals taking picture at topman topshop~

 

~finally,BRJ the mamak near your place~

 

there more pictures in angie and ezen phone

hope to get them soon

i mostly take other people pictures only

own pictures very less

*sad*

 

oh my gosh!!!

4.30am edi and i still haven sleep

tomorrow nedd go out somemore

better go sleep now

nitez

又想念你了

想起你以前总爱看着我

什么都不做就只是看着我

你什么时候停止看我了呢？

我不知道也没发现到

我只是越来越爱你

越来越爱你...

 

爱情是自私的吧？

你宁愿让我伤心跟别人快乐去

也不愿为我而努力和坚持

 

很想知道你是抱着什么心态来跟我交往

你从一开始就不打算长期了是吗？

记得你常说你要陪到我长大保护我你就满意了

可是你知不知道伤我最深的人是你啊...笨蛋...

如果是那样为什么还说未来的事？

为什么说要有怎样的婚礼？

为什么说孩子叫什么名子？

为什么说以后家是怎样的？

为什么还说到谁先死？

你答应过我会陪我多70年

你答应过会让我死先

你说看着心爱的人死去是最痛苦的事

你不想让我伤心难过...

所以你说让我死先...

你说过的话我都还记得...

 

11.20am

多下要出去tea party了

眼睛不知道有没有肿肿

好希望我现在就能死掉

Corinne Bailey Rae

Put Your Records On

Three little birds, sat on my window
And they told me I don't need to worry
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete

Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don't you hesitate

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Blue as the sky, sunburnt and lonely
Sipping tea in the bar by the roadside
(just relax, just relax)
Don't you let those other boys fool you
Got to love that afro hair do

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change
Don't you think it's strange?

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow

'Twas more than I could take, pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake, I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realise, that you don't even have to try any longer?
Do what you want to

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Oh, you're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow

p/s:

heard this song for the first time when playing guitar hero

can’t remember the song name though

can only remember some part of the lyrics

zenzen just told me song name just now

like the meaning of the song lyrics…

 

★the more you stay the same,the more they seems to change★

isn’t it so true?

 

2.13am

time really goes by very fast

如果时间能倒流的话多好啊

那样的话我会做不同的选择与决定

 

如果时间能倒流

我依然会选择跟你在一起

只是我会选择去rahman读

我不介意结果会是好是坏

至少那样我跟你在一起的时间会多些

想跟你在一起久一些

 

yeo kok keng说有忘情水多好

可是就算放一瓶在我面前我也不喝

我不想忘记你，我想记得你

yeo kok keng说那样只会让自己更痛苦，何苦呢？

我不知道为什么，可是我宁愿痛苦都不想忘记你

为什么？因为我爱你...深深地爱你

yeo kok keng问为什么那么爱你

我不知道，我就是爱你，一定要有理由吗？

 

是男生的都说一切都在你计划之中了

可是我总觉得不是那样的

虽然我会想你本来就打算在我考完试后分手

是我不想相信事实还是我真的相信你不会那样做？

 

1.05am

我想回到我们第一次约会的时候

哈哈...眼泪又掉了

i' think i’m falling sick…

 

i feel that i’m taking this blog as you

everything that i want to say to you but i can’t i’ll write it here

it’s your replacement…

the only thing is that it won’t reply me

it is so sad…

 

想念你的关怀

想念你的温柔

 

12.45am

still thinking nonsense while the clothes are still pilled up at my bed

my blog is like my facebook now…

haha…

 

my family,friends,facebook and this blog is all that is left in my life

 

i still have so much in life but why losing just one person makes me feel like i loss the whole world?

 

pathetic isn’t it?

 

12.22am

think too much in the shower

谁是 yeo kok keng?

我很久很久以前认识的网友

给我的印象就是常要我介绍女子给他

 

很久没联络他了

今天低落找他聊了

他以为我还是跟你在一起呢

哈哈...可笑...

 

跟你在一起后就很少联络他了

两年里大概少过五次吧

怕你不喜欢怕你生气

不过这人的存在你是知道的

也在你面前跟他聊过

也光明正大给你看

 

他最后一次找我是今年

几月份我就不记得了

可是特别的是他信息我

那时我们在我家外面的radi corner吃fish n chips

一开始我很怕让你知道

怕你吃醋生气想太多

可是最终我还是给你看那信息

还解释给你我跟他没关系的

我只是想要让你放心而已

是我太诚实了吗？

是我太坦诚了吗？

 

我对这事的印象很深刻

因为你对我而言真的很重要

不想因为别的男生找我而影响我们的关系

我对你很坦诚...但有何用呢？

 

11.15pm

finally drank finish my soup

i’m becoming like ezen

sleep in the evening wake up at night

then can’t sleep till the morning

 

just woke up

headache feels better for a while

but then it comes back

why?

i don’t usually have headaches one ar…

 

having my dinner now

and it’s 10.34pm

haven even bath

my life is so out of order

 

does order in life important?

 

will refill my soup now…

 

10.36pm

headache getting worse

想了好多

想写的也很多

可是哭得太多了

眼睛模糊了

头也痛了

身体累了

忍受不到睁开着眼睛

 

时间都变的好乱了

睡一下

晚安

6.22pm

边做家务边哭

头痛了

很渴

很饿

蒙了

 

有谁可以安慰我下吗？

有谁可以借我肩膀吗？

有谁可以给我拥抱吗？

我的问题有谁能答吗？

 

真的很想念你

为什么你会变的呢？

 

1pm

yesterday was a fun day
had lots of activities
from morning till night
really tired now but i got to write my diary

woke up 7am in the morning
so early…not even working nor having classes
just wanted to follow chieh yen to kl even when she is working
i can’t stand staying alone at home anymore
makes me think a lot and feel very emotionally down
it was a right decision…i feel better now…a little better i think…

after chieh yen work was done
we went to have breakfast at mc donalds
the one near the crossroad near lot 10
was sitting upstairs overlooking the streets
just looking at people walking by passing by
makes me think if i’m at the crossroad of my life now
maybe it’s just me thinking too much…
but somehow i feel confused of what choices i should make now
life isn’t like driving a car,i can’t make a u-turn when i make a mistake
nor it is a driving test in Malaysia, i can’t use money to makes things undone
i know people are meant to make wrong choices in life and are supposed to learn from them
but i want to make the best possible decision in my life and have as less error as possible

went to pavilion after breakfast
was attracted by the pretty Christmas decorations
old habits again…started taking pictures
chieh yen and me took lots of pictures
and the fun part was when we took pictures of our reflections on the ornaments
started from taking picture but advanced to window shopping
tried and loved a pair of jeans at Forever 21…but it cost RM 149…
then saw and loved a shawl at Cotton On…cost RM39…
i need to work and save money if i ever want to own these things
but i’m feeling a little very lazy lately…
something is wrong with me…
lost some semangat…
left it somewhere…

went to chieh yen’s another office to submit some forms
guess what? it’s a place which has memory of you in it
it made me down a little somehow and i started listening to songs
all the happiness and excitement from taking pictures and window shopping was decreased by half just like that
lucky thing was out of the blue chieh yen said why don’t we visit the national art gallery
and so we went there and see see look look
i’m not an art person so i can’t really understand what the painting are all about
it’s like my head was always like this…=.=…
but there are a few that i like very much cause it gives me a calm and happy feeling

went to taipan after that cause chieh yen need to buy some art supplies
i actually wanted to learn knitting but after looking at the price of things there
hmm…i’m having second thoughts…it’s expensive and if i give up half way…everything will go to waste
at the end i bought some material to make myself a bracelet
will find time to do it…kinda busy these coming few days…haha…

at night went to d’santai with ezen,angie,danny,thian hoe and kelvin
eat the nasi goreng siam again…it’s addicitve…wonder if they put kas kas in there
but it is so mm…mm… sedap…tak boleh tahan…must eat it…
after dinner went to thian hoe house…buat apa?
apa lagi? main guitar hero ler!!!
on hdtv some more…fuyuh!!!damn nice the image quality…so clear…
came back around 12.30am…lucky i never kena locked out…haha…

yesterday was very busy
didn’t emo that much
but still keep thinking of you
it’s ok…thinking of you is normal…


~the crossroads~


~me taking picture of…~

~breakfast!!!~

~christmas is here already…wee!!!~

~Rudolf the red nose reindeer… lalalalalalala…~

~oo…i got big big nose~

~peace gal~

~at istana budaya~


~tree ornaments~

3.50am
nitez

p/s:

forgot to mentioned yuki

yuki is a psychology grad student now working i don’t know where

known him through bpelajar magazine few years ago

then lost contact for the same reasons i loss contact with everyone else

*aham*faham faham aje lah

find him and ask him brainwash me the other day

haha…but tak jadi…me kepala batu terlalu keras ady

suddenly msn me just now say he terremember me and wonder how’s my condition

thank you thank you so much

i’m getting better now

thanks to people that care like you

sorry my line keep dc

tak dapat chat properly

will make it up to you next time

:)

 

p/s: loved your name cause it’s the same name in the comic i loved so much

though i stop reading it for very long already

 

1.36am

nitez

losing you is one thing that i didn’t wanted it to happen

but it was all beyond my control

your heart was beyond my control

your life was beyond my control

you left

just like that

you begin your new life

leaving me standing alone

alone in the darkness and the rain

it’s a fact that i need to accept

 

but from all these heartaches,pains and tears

i gained something even more precious

i gained friendship,true friendship

i used to shut everyone else out of my life except you and my family

it may seems to you that my friends were more important to me

but the fact is you didn’t know how much i gave up to be with you

i practically have no life with friends except you

you may think it’s you only that gave up so much

well,you are wrong cause i just didn’t mentioned all the sacrifice i made

 

now i’m closer to many more people

became closer to ezen,angie,alcia,liya and the geng

became even more closer to honey

got back in contact with dage,gary,shanice,pei wen,lily

really glad to have all these people in my life

 

now i’m having more fun with my life

i can go out with whoever i want whenever i want

i don’t need keep sms-ing you my whereabouts

i can go out till late night without having to quarrel with you

i can sit anyone’s car without quarreling with you

i get to go places,do things which i’ll never get to do when i was with you

 

i admit that i still love you

i admit that i still miss you

i admit that i would still rather spend my time doing nothing with you

but i must accept that what i dream off and what i want will never happen

the life that i once have with you and the life i wanted to have with you is all gone

it still hurts me a lot till this very moment that you gave up

i won’t rush to get over this pain this suffering

i have questions,so many of them but i’m stopping from asking them too much

all those questions have no answers no matter who i ask no matter how many times i ask

the only thing i can do is just let it be

time will wash away the pain

time will give me all the answers

 

Let it Be - Lennon/McCartney

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be,Let it be.Let it be,let it be 
       
There will be an answer, let it be.

Let it be, let it be,let it be,let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music

Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

yup!

i watch another movie

again…

find it so so only compared to the others

but it was ok la

used to like sandra bullock

still love her but love charlize more

i watched both the ‘miss congeniality’ movie like for a few times

but it was way back a years ago

haha…those were the happy times

simple yet happy time

watch the movie halfway cause chat with me best amigo ezen till 4am

but after that i k.o. already…sorry ya zen

then continue watching after i woke up

i have the tendency to that nowadays

so weird to watch movie halfway then go sleep and continue after waking up

 

~I LOVE MOVIES!!!~

 

the first outing right after our final paper

went all the way to ikea just to eat meatballs

then to 1utama to play bowling

then back to college to pick up angie and the rest

and the went to sunway pyramid for papajohns

a day full of randomness and fun

can’t remember much now though

that’s what happen if i don’t write it down right away

sighs…but i do remember shane’s crazy driving…haha…

 

~at ikea~

 me charging my phone desperately everywhere

 

~at 1Utama~

 our bowling score

i won’t tell which one is mine

paiseh…

~at papajohns~

~ezen and me~

~makan using hands,the right way to eat pizza~

:)

the second day of fun was AAR concert

went with ezen,thian hoe,danny n thian hoe’s friends

then after that we makan nasi goreng siam at d’santai

the guys order drinks like 10 days never drink water like that

2 teh o aic limao,1 coke

kesiao one

but the nasi goreng siam is so mmm…sedapnye

 

~ARR concert~

~the concert was awesome but minus the waiting part lar~

~at d’santai~

 

on sunday we went look out point

this time everyone managed to show up

our group kinda of cham

everyone either putus cinta or single

except angie la

she so xing fu

haha…

hope that all of us will be able to find happiness

 

~at look out point~

     ~danny and the girls~

 

~our geng~

~i still have liya~

:)