Ai's Diary

words that haven been spoken cannot be taken back
action and things that have happen cannot be undone

beware.
or end up in regrets

11.57am
i do not exist at this time and space

i love gilmore girls so much

as in A LOT type of much

as in i would give up eating to watch it much

 

snuggle in my blankie and watch the remaining last episode

before i have to wait another whole week for it to complete the download process

the series is nice.i laugh i cried i felt love i felt anger i felt everything in that movie

but at the end of it i felt happy because they were so happy so simple

 

i want to live in stars hollow too

dine at luke’s drinking coffee on cold winter mornings

shop at doose’s market altho taylor is damn annoying

maybe pick up dancing at miss patty’s

and work at the inn with that funny guy that speak funnily

and have a small cosy house like lorelai and rory did

 

but it’s all not real

back to reality

hate it but i have to

 

11pm

good night

thank you so much

you’ve put a great ending to my perfectly great day

 

is those time again when the only escape i have is the showers

standing under the water and scream my heart out

the weird thing is there’s no sound is coming out

but i can feel my heart is screaming so loud that it’s going to burst

yet it provides some degree of relieve that i keep doing that over and over again

 

you think you know me you think you know the reason but you are wrong

and when i choose to keep silent because i do not want to say anything bad

you did.

i’ve decided to reduce the amount of times i said the rights and wrongs for you

i’ve reduced telling what consequences may have because of your action

i’ve tried.

and i’m tired thinking for you and others

 

i hate you i hate you i hate you

i do not want to see you anymore

i do not want to talk to you ever again

these are the things that my heart is screaming

but i know i’ll regret it later so i held it in

it’s hard

 

now i’m wishing very hard.very hard.i wish it will come true.

 

10.15pm

i swear this is the ever last time i am going to love somebody

i’ve had enough.i swear.

i was wrong.it didn’t turn out good today

vice versa it turn out awfully bad

suddenly i have the urge to listen to “bad day”

i am just so tired of all of this already

can i hide for awhile?

 

as i’m typing now i am sitting on a big tong of sugar in the kitchen

and just about an hour ago andy was telling ghost story

about how a little girl in the flour store room will always steal his cakes to eat

and now i got scared and shifted to the front of the shop

of course the story is not real but i just get the shivers down my spine when i’m in there

it’s going to be hard for me to fill up the moping water alone at night now

it just gets worse aint’t it?

 

sometimes i do feel that the things i do are not appreciated

or sometimes something other people do falls on my shoulder

and when that happens i stop trying to do the best at things that i’m suppose to do

or maybe i should say nobody notice the good things i’ve done and only the bad that i just gave up

i am not a type H personality person

sorry but i am just not suppose to be here

 

anyhow i’m tired and yes i didn’t went back to tampin

because i can’t do much to help.i accepted that fact

i helpless hopeless useless.i’m sorry.

 

ahh…i just feel so tired right now

i can’t wait to get back home and just hide in my tiny room

i somehow really need some peace right now

and i hate people even more now

if only i can run away

if only i have the courage to do so

 

i feel like going back to the kitchen now

it is warm and scary in there and i’m alone

but at least it is better than cold and cold out here right?

cold as in the temperature is cold and coldness between people

normally i am very nice to customer at this type of time

but now i can’t put on that smile anymore

 

7.50pm

i just stop trying to be good

i gave up.again.

everyone and then i fall into a endless stairwells of sorrow

but somehow something good will happen the next day

giving me the push that i very much needed

 

my sister woke me up minutes ago

WE HAVE ANOTHER NEW BABY FISH!!!

yeah…the third baby fish this month

as usual we scooped it out into a smaller ball

together with the other two children fishies

 

my sister is very excited over this till she can’t help it but to wake me up

but at least the disturb sleep today is worth it

we sat near the fish ball and look at the fishes swim for like HALF AN HOUR?

i know it’s long but somehow it’s very enjoyable

 

and i bought an algae eater yesterday

we named it DEXTER

the longkang fish as my sister like to call it we named it SUNNY SIAW

cause he is always crazy and is kinda glowingly red.therefore the name sunny siaw

then there’s MAMA fish.we don’t know if she’s the one that is giving birth to the little fishes

but because she is the fattest and the biggest we decided on that

the other fishies we didn’t named them cause it’s hard to differentiate

maybe after sometime we will

 

i think it’s a good start for today

it should turn out fine for the rest of the day

i hope

 

10.30am

shall bring the doggie out for a walk

then is work from 1pm to 9pm

some days i wake up in the morning

i open my eyes and see the sunshine

then i said to myself

"it’s good to be alive"

 

some days i wake up in the morning

i open my eyes and the sun is shining as usual

but i’ll say with a little disappointment in my little heart

"shit.i’m still alive.why am i still alive"

 

some days i wake up and i lay still in my bed

staring into empty spaces and listen quietly to everything

i accept the fact that i’m alive and say to myself

"today is going to be a great and happy day"

 

i think the one that i do the most is the third one

sometimes i feel it’s a big fat lie that i’m telling myself

that i’m cheating myself over and over again day after day

and i wonder why i still fall for it or should i say why do i believe in it

maybe it’s because i need a reason to get out of bed

a reason to walk out of the door to do the things i need to do

even if the reason is just something that isn’t really exist

 

i live therefore i’m alive?

or i’m alive therefore i live?

both i think

 

i wake up feeling life is beautiful and meaningful

therefore i do everything i can to get the best out of it

is those time that i feel i’m alive because i live a happy life

i eat because i want to stay alive not because i’m alive therefore i eat

the things i do do not stem from mere feeling of responsibilities

but the feel of being grateful that i’m living the life i want and being happy

 

on other days i wake up in the morning and i feel that i’m breathing

my senses are all working perfectly

i’m still alive.i’m still alive.

therefore i still have the responsibilities of being alive and continue being in that state

so i get out of bed and continue with life

eating,studying,working,going out.

but for what purpose?

i do not know

 

then why not end my own life a friend once asked me

i do not have the answer

i am not afraid of death

i am only afraid of dying

many times i sat in the express bus hoping that it’ll crash and i’ll die

but for that countless times everytime it reached the destination safely

i have this feeling of disappointment and relieve at the same time

sad that i have to live the pathetic live yet happy to still get to see my loved ones

at other time before i go to sleep i wish that i’ll never wake up the next morning

but when i did…well,it depends on how i see the world on that particular day

 

the question of why a person would want a child knowing that the child will cause anger and so much pain to the parents

and the child itself might even go through pain in life is the same as the question why do you want to live

there’s no definite answer

what is the purpose of studying?to get a good job.

what is the purpose of having a good job?so that can earn more money.

what is the purpose of earning more money?so that can a have a better life.

what is the purpose of having a better life? so that we can be happy?

but what is the ultimate purpose of life?

what if it’s like me.i have no purpose in life.

lost with no direction.

 

sometimes i just feel not worthy

sometimes i regret some decisions that i make

sometimes i wish i could change the decisions that i made

a friend asked me once that if i had only one chance to go back into the past and change something,what would i change?

that time i answered him that i would prevent the existence of myself,i’ll prevent me from coming into this world

it’ll be a lot a difference if i did not exist.yes.a lot.things would have been much better.in a way.

today i’ll still give the same answer to whoever that ask me that question

because i am not worthy of living

i almost died twice

once i almost drown

the other time i almost got hit by a bus

but i survive both

sometimes i wish the i didn’t

 

what am i to you?

how much do i worth to you?

i’m tired today.

today i wish that i’ll not be waking up tomorrow

even tho deep down inside i know i will

but if i a wish can come true

i don’t mind wishing for it

 

12.40am

went for movie with dear after work at summit

which movie we watch?

INCEPTION

the second time i’m watching it

the first time was with college mates after psychology finals

and the second time is with my ice cream dear

but i still enjoy it and because i want to teman my dear watch it

because you’re worth it my dear.=)

 

it’s funny how the same movie feels different when i watch it the first time and the second time

and the feeling of watching it with different people is very much different too

but both have the different enjoyable parts of it

 

all i can say that it’s a good movie and it’s worth the money

a dream within a dream.am i certain that i’m not in a dream?

is the world i’m living in now reality or just a dream?

and i believe inception can be done without even being in a dream

the mind is a powerful tool and weapon yet a very dangerous place to be in

 

1am

time to finish my bueno then sleep lor.

HAHA…it’s actually lemon poppy seed muffins. i know it has nothing to do with marry poppins but somehow it keeps reminding me about her.

My muffin tray was too big for my cute little oven.SAD.=(

But it’s okay,i can always IMPROVISE. Use cupcake cups!!

So it’s called marry poppins muffcup!!! LOL

Well they didn’t rise enough and produce the crack at the top as i expected it would except for a few but the taste was fine.

My sister said that it’s not sweet enough.But i think it’s just fine cause i don’t like it to be sweet.

There’s half a lemon more in the fridge.Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.=)

the remaining batter i bake them in mini muffin moulds. SO CUTE!!! =)

today an old friend or perhaps a long lost friend called me up

she was crying on the other end of the line

she wanted to get away from home get away from tampin

she had an argument with her mother about furthering she studies

she told me that she wanted to continue her studies but then said it was a foolish thought

all because she’s old and she thinks it’s too late

but it’s never too late to start tertiary education,right?

or maybe it’s because of financial problem

she didn’t really want to tell me tho

all i can do is listen

 

i can understand the feeling of running away from home

the urge to just leave everything behind and go somewhere new

some place where nobody knows you nor going to restrict you

that’s why when she said she wants to come to kl i offered her my place

it’s not really my place and i need approval from my brother in law

but i didn’t really thought of it at that time,it can be sorted out later

i just want to try my very best to help her because she did the same for me too

 

when i first broke up she was always there for me in tampin

she brought me out to pasar malam and other places

altho it hurts sometimes to see her and her bf so sweet together

i know that she didn’t meant it in any way to hurt me and just wanted to be there for me

i even slept at her house because i just couldn’t stand it anymore

i just wanted to leave my home for a while

that night i cried myself to sleep in her bed

 

sometimes i feel so tiny and helpless because i want to help my friends that i love but i just couldn't do much

financialy i am not stable enough, experience i am lacking as well and wise advice is certainly something i lack of

觉得很无奈很无助，很无能为力。 want to help but there’s nothing that i can help

but ice cream dear says that it’s enough for me to just be there for her

maybe it’s true.that’s why i’m going to try to sort things out and maybe go back tampin this friday to see her

 

p/s: she said my ice cream dear looks better than my ex.he looks more nice/handsome and *cough cough* manly. ice cream dear was so happy to hear that.my silly ice cream.xD

 

12.15am

it’s been almost 10 days since i blog

i have lots of catching up to do

but i think i’ll be MIA for a while again

my life is a little too busy nowadays xD

being a friend i don't mind giving my opinions and helping you
but now i think i may have seen the true side of you and may have been wrong the whole way
if you are not open to opinions and think that what i said is just total rubbish
then i am truly sorry to say that i won't help you and i don't think you are a good person for my best friend
if what other people trying to to say or do for you is all rubbish then you are the one that is just rubbish
enough for me to just throw into the bin and let the rubbish truck crush you to pieces
i will not safe nor help you anymore.i won't help ppl that do not appreciate my help.

what do i want to do with my life?

i want to spend my whole life with you

=)

我想迷失在岁月的漩涡中

happiness is a place to visit not a place to stay

the other day i said the following days would be great

yeah it turn out very awesome indeed

much better than i expected

more than i could ask for

i am grateful for that =)

 

pictures worth a thousand words.so let’s begin.

so yeah i collected my camera on friday after ice cream finish his work at the bakery

at first the person didn’t gave me a casing for my camera

but i specifically  remember they said they would give me a hard casing the other day

so in the end the guy gave me this pink hard casing for free

the grumpy indian guy was not there

so the chinese guy,the one i mentioned the other day just gave it to me

i am so going back there next time i want to buy stuff

thank you so much to him.so grateful for that

i dun know how to take picture of the new cam so only took picture of the casing xD

 

on that very same day my sister bought me a MUFFINS RECIPE BOOK!!!

she went out in the afternoon to mph alone and when she came back she handed it over to me

i was stunned there awhile.yeah she loves me a lot and i admit i loves her too altho i complain a lot about her xD

we are getting ready for our project in september and this is part of the preparation

i hope that everything will goes well and we can have lots of fun together

hip hip hooray!!!

 

ahh….my sunglasses bought from daiso the other day

ice cream dear also bought one but his one is much macho lol

the cheapest sunglasses ever.rm5 only.can you imagine that?RM5 ONLY!!!

yeah that day was a memorable day too.thanks to my dear that loves to give me surprises

was working that day and decided to watch toy story after my work

so hsiang said he’ll get the tickets for sunway online or something la

but when he came to fetch me he said sunway no tickets go ioi puchong watch

okay lor.we go there queue up to buy tickets but the person say only left the front 2 rows

sienz…so i say i go see got what other movie we can watch

so i look up at the screen.u know cinema always put the tv near the ceiling wan that type

then hsiang he came over and said “eh dear look!!got ppl drop movie tickets.”

then he bend down and pick it up “toy story3 9.40pm.wah so lucky”

i was like so happy so happy but then stop and think a while

so coincidence wan?so i look at him then he started laughing

i kena trick.i so blur go believe him.but thank you dear.i love that surprise

he purposely went all the way from subang to puchong in the afternoon to get the tickets before it sold out

my silly dear always do silly stuff for me.that’s my hsiang for you.=)

 

then the other day.(sorry i keep using “the other day”) we went to empire gallery after my work at the bakery.

went to pets more i feel for this cute little hamster and we bought her straight away

we named her “JULIET” which i don’t know the reason behind it

but i call her “JUJU” now and she totally LOVES carrots

she is really very pretty and smart

thank you dear.=)

 

just testing out my camera

this is how messy my tables looks like everyday

and i only have that small little mirror to use besides the one in the bathroom

i remember early this year before we went to souled out for ezen,kelvin and my birthday dinner

the girls came to my house to dress up after class.they were complaining my mirror is too small

haha…but somehow i survive with that small little mirror till now.

 

saturday went to ice cream dear’s school carnival

we played the fishing thingy!!!it was FUN FUN FUN!!!

hsiang very pro one net catch SEVEN fishy

for me i caught TWO only but i’m still proud of myself

hey not easy wan you know.hehe…

now the fishies are in a fish bowl in my room

shall take picture of them next time when i’m free

 

 

i take picture of you, you take picture of me

we are obsess of taking pictures. xD

 

 

my brunch at the carnival.this cost us rm5 but oh well the money goes to the school funds.so no harm.

 

the shirt i bought for dear from my singapore trip

p/s: his spouse is me.dun you dare give him any beer or i shall head hunt you down.grr…

 

ice cream dear’s mom and elder brother jien.

aunty kuan talked to me a lot about hsiang when hsiang was away fetching his brother

but shall not talk about it here.it’s our little secret.hehe…

 

the biggest secondary school carnival i have even been to

7 ghost houses.can you  imagine that?SEVEN!!!

but i didn’t enter even one.call me a chicken whatever i dun care.blek!

oh and there was a stall selling fresh vege?in a school carnival?that’s odd…

 

wei wei opened a game store and earned tons of money

but i just enjoy looking at the players face concentrating on the game

oh and wei wei is the master of the game

anyone that is able to beat him will get to bring home a hamper worth RM50

but of course no one beat him cause he is the MASTER

including the jerk below that challenged him 3 times and just wouldn’t give up

11.17pm

FIFA FINALS TODAY

should i watch?

seriously,anything is so much better than reading sales

tell me something that i don't know cause i want to know very badly
tell me if you can see him and me in the future happily laughing together
(just a random thought)

went to lookout point with my honey for dinner
it's her wish her dream ever since a year or two ago
i can't remember specifically when tho but it does not really matter anymore
as for the reason.only she knows, i know and whoever she told knows

i believe that when we go to places we will leave traces of memory
when we go back there we that memory kinda of relieve itself
but when those memory that was once sweet turns bitter
we would want to erase it but that's impossible
because we can't erase the past

when that happens all that we want to do is forget
some we could just let it past but memory will just stay
so the only option is to go back to that place and face it
it really takes a lot of courage and determination to do so
then we would want to try to replace that memory of that place with a better experience
sometimes it works sometime it doesn't so all that we can do is keep trying

i'm proud of my honey
she is my best friend and will always be until fate brings us apart
i am not sure if i have been a good friend to her in the past but i'll keep trying to be one

2.23am
time to sleep.
goodnight

what a day for me.phew.but it was a GREAT day indeed

i feel contend happy satisfied positive etc

a big smile on my face at the end of the day =)

 

woke up extremely late again today

can’t seem to wake up early although i slept at 10.30pm last night

grr…not early enough meh? i really pig la.must change must change

anyway played facebook awhile as usual to harvest my cakes in the bakery

then cooked lunch for sister and me.spaghetti with carrots only.

the only thing that was in the fridge.so sad our fridge is so empty.=(

after that study study study study until 2pm before getting ready for work

work as usual the the bakery was fun.the pak cik bring his cucu again today

he damn sayang his cucu de lor. everyday bring his cucu come eat ice cream or cake

when i get a camera i shall take picture of them together

oh oh!!i’m going to collect my camera tomorrow!!*excited excited excited*

 

study a bit of psycho at the bakery then evening hsaing came and let me play plant vs zombie

hehehe…the game is in his laptop so that even if i’m addicted to it i have no access to it

when i can’t play it i will study.same goes to “the sims”. damn smart right?xD

then at night went for bak kut teh session with hsiang and emily at ss14 after closing the shop

i tell u ar we damn loud and noisy lor.i swear the whole jalan can hear us edi.LOL

we talk so loud and laugh so loud talking about things that happen in the bakery and other stuff

 

ahh…it’s a great day.the coming few days will be great too.but shall keep it till the time comes.shh…=)

 

11.39pm

time to bath and study a little bit more

oh did i mentioned it’s feels so good to be working at the bakery?

it feels like ohana.it means family if you don’t know.*go watch lilo and stitch* =P

ain't feeling that good today
somehow the feeling is not there not right
trying to make myself happy by thinking of happy little things that happen today

watched replay of football with my sister in the afternoon
we enjoyed looking at people's reaction and the footballer's hairstyle
yeap.we didn't have a clue about what's going on with the game
we just talk about things that appears interesting to us
even the name of the player.diego something.it reminded us of the sabertooth in iceage

then my sister and i decided on a project
to open a stall at the flea market in amcorp mall
she'll sell her beautiful paintings and little angels
i'll sell some cookies and cupcakes i guess
am looking forward to it.it'll be fun.lots of fun.=)

at night went for a haircut at apt in taipan
ice cream dear also cut his hair
not bad la.nothing special
just that my hair is shorter and no that curly anymore
just hair.damn i'm really low on spirit today

9.52pm
have to study psycho
it's like i just can't finish reading it
and i still have sales to study
sienz...

is it me or did i just got spam at my chat box?

1.01pm
studying psycho still

i have no idea why she always does this to me
what did i ever do wrong?
woke up feeling great and wished her good morning (although it's almost 12pm la)
but the next thing i know she just lash her anger at me
for reasons i completely have no idea of
everything she asked me or talked to me after that is like very unhappy
the way she talk walk even close the door
i am really clueless now
what did i do wrong?
damn sienz.

12.12pm

today is a GREAT day

 

closed a sale

my first and only sale in these 3 days

so happy till can fly edi

a rm64.50 emulsion

40ml only

damn expensive

 

then meet up with my honey and ice cream dear

made my honey buy hair products from another promoter

and she did buy.LOL.now i feel bad

 

after that they teman me surveying camera

been doing that since friday.everyday check out cameras only

think think think.consider consider consider.

change my mind.hesitate.change my mind again.hesitate again

survey again.ask here ask there again.

and the cycle keeps going on and on

so at last went back to harvey norman and think again

compare lumix and sony again and again

until at last  the two cannot tahan me edi

so they say things that made me made up my mind

SONY TX5

WATERPROOF SHOCKPROOF DUST PROOF

but red color no stock so have to order

but still buy there cause i like the customer service the guy gave

i kacau him everyday ask stupid question but he still layan me

so people if you all want to buy camera especially lumix camera

go midvalley harvey norman and look for the chinese guy wearing panasonic red shirt

DO NOT.i say DO NOT find the indian guy.he gives damn bad customer service wan

he ignore me and give me that beh song face.me no likey him.grr….

 

after that we went shisha

ahh…so long nv shisha edi

but arab shop change owner edi

so sad the old shisha guy no there edi

he want back to his home country =(

anyway yee yang didn’t make it again today

but nvm la.shall go out another day

and the next session he is paying

muahaha…

 

"first priority getting back home

second priority koh guat ai and pok wern hsiang

third priority my laptop

last priority yee yang

cause laptop is my property yee yang is not"

quoted from my honey

 

*cough cough*

i think they might have a chance

am so excited like watching drama

XD

 

taking a break at the arab shop

zzz…zzz…zzz…

 

1.42am

ai kun lor

nite nite

tomorrow will baca buku lor

last day of work in wellness midvalley today

for now i’ll stop promoter job and concentrate on finals exam

but gonna miss the job.a lot.

the experience was good

 

one thing i like about promoter job is that i get to meet new people

i meet new people almost every week

but these people i’ll know them for only that 3 days

then they are gone like the wind

we walk pass each other lives without leaving any traces

however, within that 3 days we take care of each other

we talk we laugh we eat and we complain together

but at the end of the job we said good bye without feeling sad nor happy

naturally everything came to an end without anyone noticing it’s the end

nor expecting to see each other again

the kindness we gave to each other is magical

makes me believe the world ain’t that bad

 

anyway,gambateh to me

wish me luck so i can close sales today

=)

 

me playing dear’s dslr

not bad right my photography?

XD

sister 350D dslr she so kind lent to her friend for 3 months

brother in law dslr 50D value almost 10k plus the lens, i want touch also don’t dare

digital camera also i don’t have.phone camera quality not good enough

damn sad.no camera to use at all

so pinjam ice cream dear‘s dslr

but settings i still learning so struggle a bit here and there la

it turned out fine tho.*happy*

 

baked cookies the other day and made one extra huge with colorful stars specially for my dear

but a bit “chao da” cause i forgot about the cookies in the oven

i normally set timer longer so this is the outcome

lesson is don’t set timer over than the time given xD

anyway,the cookie was so big that i dun have any tupperware big enough to store it

in the end masuk angin but my dear still finish it.silly him.thank you dear.*hugs*

it has been a great day today

it’s been awhile since i last had that feeling

the feeling that the day is meaningful,happy and productive

 

funny things happen in front of the library

with an indian guy who failed epically in trying to hit on ezen

while alicia and i sitting at the side pretending to be busy and curi dengar

and clueless of what to do in that situation

 

then was the things ice cream dear told me about andy,again

andy kinda like to kacau him in very “dirty” ways

today was about panadol

andy was having headache so emily offered him panadol and hsiang like just say “yalah,take some panadol”

but then he look at hsiang and said in a very geli way “i dun want that panadol,i want your panadol”

then there was the awkward silence

my boyfriend is being harass by andy almost everyday but i don’t really mind it

in fact i find joy and fun teasing him about being a gay magnet

but i’m not saying that andy is gay,he is not gay,i think…he is just being playful

 

then was the phone battery dying part

hsiang phone died in the morning that i have to fb his mom to wake him up for work

then in the evening my phone pulak battery mati

luckily he clever to find me in library although i did fb yee yang to help msg him

both our phones died today.how nice is that huh?

 

had snowflake.oh my god it is so sedap

i like never ear snowflake for so long already

damn enjoy till gao gao lor

we ate it under the trees some more

damn relaxing.xD

 

at night had the urge to bake cinnamon rolls

but so sad no ingredients so ended up baking oatmeal choc chip cookies

can  do la although not sweet enough

 

then just now i went to my sister blog

she really can take very nice pictures

and found out that 1 of the 5 things she enjoys is “movie night with little sister”

then i like emo abit edi.so long never have movie night with her already

so long never spend time with her edi.i must fit that into my busy schedule

because she is my sister. check out her blog HERE

if you like looking at pictures you’ll enjoy her blog

believe me.=)

 

1,22am

june is over edi lor.

new month new beginning =)

i think i should go to bed

nite nite!!