Ai's Diary

it's my life...it's now or never...i ain't gonna live forever...i just wanna live while i'm alive...

my last post for this year

much that i haven write about this year

but i don’t really think that time is a factor

memory stays where it belongs

i’ll just write it down whenever i feel like it or want to

as long as i can remember it

 

thought long and hard about my life in the past year

a crazy life i can say

the most eventful year in my 19 years

had a great chinese new year with my ex

went to fish leong concert with him

went to bird park with him

went to cameron with my family

had my first breakup

cried for the longest period in my life

every single day for 3 months and gary said that’s a lot of water

had a XXX (secret)

got really close with my college friends

ezen,angie,liya,alicia,thian hoe and danny

thanks guys for everything

went to many outing and yamcha with them

1U,ikea,lookout point,ipoh,guitar hero,the late nights at d’santai for nasi goreng siam and long drive to setepak’s brj for nasi lemak ayam etc…

got closer to my other friends too

can really see who cares the most when i’m in trouble

even the most unexpected ppl can turn out to be the best friends

shanice,honey,peiwen,dage,gary,yuki,kok keng,a yang,pok

finally and most importanly i met someone really special

the person who made me smile

made all my tears disappear just like that

it’s been a month and nothing much going on

but i’m happy and kinda got used to not having you around that much

which i do hope you are around more

whatever la i’m crapping

just happy to have you

and no matter my relationship this time works out well or not

i’m ok with it and will just appreciate it while i can

 

so that’s it for 2009

i can’t say don’t go 2009

so i’ll just say welcome 2010

this year is a heartmaking year as pok says

i really hope it is

 

started this post before 12am but ended it after 12am

i’ll still consider it as a 2009 post

will modify the date too

play cheat

hehe

 

anyway

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

i love all of you

=)

forgot to bring my handphone to work

sister over slept and forgot to pick me up

found out a dear friend got his heart broken

crown him emo prince and i became a mom

got a new gor gor

wah…so many things happen

not bad…

 

didn’t really worry when i found out that i left my handphone at home

maybe cause i knew that no one will find me

my phone is very inactive nowadays

oh well…it’s ok…

 

waited longer than usual today for chieh yen

so borrowed the phone at the reception counter

she over slept…lolz…luckily i called her

if not i’ll be waiting there till the sky turns dark

 

logged on facebook the moment i reach office

found out my dear friend got his heart broken

just few days ago he was so happy

didn’t asked what happen

don’t need to

just wanna be there for him

like he was there for me

he told me about how extreme he emo-ed

so i crown him the emo prince

and became my son…lolz…

funny how things goes…

 

finally got a new gor gor

always wanted a big brother

but this person hyper active a bit

funny but…oh well,who cares

take it as it comes

gor gor will sayang me

haha…

 

11.22pm

is this year a heartbreaking year?if so, i’m glad it’s almost over…

i want all my friends to be happy

and to my dear pok

i hope you’ll be ok

you’ll have someone someday

will use my magic so you can sleep soundly tonight

*hugs*

time is passing really fast these few days

frankly speaking,i’m a little scare to move on into 2010

加上一点点的不舍

跨入三年以来第一次没有他存在的一年

表示必须把属于我的他余留在2009

2009  我生命里的第一个转折点

永不忘记  快乐的与悲伤的

都属于我的  属于我们的  他给我的

假设有一天还能在一起

我会愿意吗?他会愿意吗?

心到现在还是偶尔会这么想

今天怎么那么伤感呢?

好久没写他的事了...

有点想念他...

今晚就放纵一天让自己想念他吧

我的好朋友好快就来陪我了

哈哈...

i’ll be alright

i have been on my own for the past month

i did better than i thought i would

new year new semester new life

i’ll be ok i’ll make through this

=)

 

12.45pm

nite nite people

love all of you

including whoever that is reading this

no matter i know you or not

*hugs*

Do you ever lose your belief in love?

Drew Barrymore:

Every time i get my heart broken.

Ai:

Yes…but there will always be someone new to heal the pain.

So why be afraid?

 

12.35am

drew is my favorite angel

=)

nitez

*hugs*

thank you so much for the surprise message

it really made a difference

it brighten up my life

you’re so sweet

*hugs*

 

did you know that it’s the first time you text me since you went back?

 

sorry i got disconnected on msn

you were not there when i’m back

a little sad couldn't chat more with you

but it’s ok…i’m happy and satisfied

 

4.00am

now you see it,now you don’t

chipsmore!!

it’s like you

*hugs n kisses*

nitez

first love’s all right as far as it goes

last love, that’s what i’m interested in

-the edge of love

2.30am

another movie i fall in love with

 

what i’m doing?

what do i really want?

 

changed the blog address

changed it back again

 

the blog feels dead

revive it but never update

 

my heart feel dead

is it possible?

 

i’m tired of things

even writing my blog

 

it’s a bad sign…

 

8.00pm

the year is ending

so fast?

you finally came!!!

i’m glad…=)

 

7.46pm

rainy day makes me feel sleepy and moody

eyes are windows to the soul

 

 

through my eyes

you can

see right into my soul

 

through my eyes

you can

take a journey through my life 

 

through my eyes

you can

know and feel my happiness and sadness

 

through my eyes

you can

know what my heart is trying to say

 

through my eyes

you can

see the true me

 

my eyes don’t lie

they do not know how

 

i have brown eyes

i love my brown eyes

my tiny little brown eyes

 

but

no more

i’ll have fake plastic eyes

so no one can

see through my heart

see through my soul

see through me

anymore…

 

i’m faking myself

i’m faking my life

i’m faking everything

 

i just want to protect myself…

i’m not who i used to be anymore…

 

10.55pm

*hugs*

 

 

 

finally bought x’mas hats that i always wanted

yay!!!hooray!!!wee!!!yahoo!!!

what happens when

2 x’mas hats meet with a smiley?

FUN and LAUGHTER of course!!!

well…at least it stopped me from thinking too much

and most importantly made me SMILE for awhile

=)

*this is called temporary happiness bought using money…:P*

 

 

P1010281

 

 

remember to smile

no matter it’s a real smile or a fake smile

just SMILE

=)

 

10.40pm

nite nite

*hugs*

After a month or so in KL, it was time for me to go back to Tampin again.I’m getting comfortable with my life in KL,too comfortable that I begun to feel reluctant to go back home.I know it’s called home for a reason,but this home is not the home I really want to go back to anymore. It’s a place where shadows of the past are just prying on me,trying to grab me and pull me down into the darkness again.Tampin is a small town,news spread fast and people talk,in front and at the back,this is for sure…

 

I admit that I was afraid to go back.But I didn’t expected that it would still hurt so much.On the train and the bus,I blasted rock songs at full volume to chase the fear away and fill up the emptiness inside.I closed my eyes and I blocked all my senses that I normally use to see and feel every little beautiful part of life that I normally observe.But the devil in me won’t let me go,the nearer it gets to home,the more depressed i felt,and soon before i even notice, tears were rolling in my eyes again.I tried the best i could to hold them back,can’t let my sister see me cry,can’t let my parents see me cry,not after so long…

 

It’s easy when you keep doing the same thing for a period of time.I’m getting good at it too. To keep all my emotions and put on a big smile.Maybe that’s why there is a saying children are the most pure and true in this world,cause they don’t hide their feelings and emotions.But as we get older,we learn to control them,for the sake of ourselves and our loved ones.Slowly without knowing it,we put on layers upon layers of masks that we eventually forgot which one is our true self. When we finally notice it’s time to be “me” again and try to find it,we become confused and amazed by seeing how a life’s journey have shaped and changed a person…but that all won’t happen soon,it’ll happen maybe in another 30 to 50 years time,when I’ll be really tired of life and just want to go back to the beginning…even now i feel that i have changed,maybe it’s my first mask…who knows what I’m going to turn out to be,not a bad person i hope…

 

Before arriving, took a breath as deep as i could,gathered all my fear and sadness,kidnapped the useless part of me,then thrown them all into the deepest darkest room in my heart,locked the door and hid the key somewhere,put on a smile then greeted daddy and gave mommy a big hug…yes,I love them a lot…love them too much that I don’t want them to see me in the condition they saw previously,I know it hurts them to see me like that,I don’t want them to worry anymore…

 

Thank you honey for talking to me yesterday.Today is another day without you.I do wonder and sway sometimes…but I’ll hold on as long as I could,I’m hoping things will get better…I really do…

 

maybe it’s hormone imbalance

i assumed this sometimes to make myself feel better

 

11.36pm

another message without reply…

i just want to chat…

that’s all…

does anyone in this world takes me seriously?

i’m going back to my hometown tomorrow

kinda of afraid…it’s not a place i wanna go

people may be talking good in front of me

but i won’t know if they are backstabbing me

i just feel so vulnerable when i’m back there…

i don’t like that feeling…

 

texted you but there’s no reply

wonder where you are…

wonder how is your leg…

please take care of yourself baby

please text me when you see this

could use some news from

 

12.07am

miss you very much

love you

gd nite

thanks chieh yen
for getting ready
 the swiss roll and water
for me
when i woke up late
*hugs*
=)
 
12.57pm
going for luch

tuna=three

the only thing i can remember from what i learn today

=(

 

9.42pm

i’m having a really bad day

nitez

WHY!!!WHY!!!WHY!!!

why you have to treat me like this?!

you are my sister,please treat me like family

i don’t want to be your burden either

if i have the means and capabilities

you won’t be seeing me here

i’ll long gone…far away from your life

 

i know you are having a hard time

but please…who doesn’t?

i trying to cope with me life too

so please…

why have to make life difficult for others?

why can’t just show your support?

i supported you…i didn’t said things others said about you

 

every time this happens i’ll just keep my mouth shut

i know the more i talk the worse it’ll become

but i have feelings too ok

i’ll feel tired too ok

 

i really feel like moving out now

i really feel like owning my own car now

i feel damn bad today that i let it rain

it has been a while

and with a swollen throat

it feels really awful

 

just can’t understand why people treat me like this

 

i see life as beautiful as it can be

but sometimes it’s really hard

today my optimism is broken into pieces

 

honey i really wish you can make me laugh now

 

6.12pm

falling sick

will go nap now

my neighbour told me 15 more soldiers were deported from the army base today
just a few days ago, 9 soldiers were transported away
they are not dead nor they are sick
they are just unconscious

knowing something is wrong
i told mommy & daddy we should leave this place asap
but mommy said there's nothing to be worried about
our house is near the army base camp
it's the safest place to be living at
daddy just kept silent
put on his neck tie and coat and went off to work

something doesn't smell right
i need to dig out the truth
i need to do something

went to my cousin's house  
it's not far from my home
at the top of the hill
overlooking part of the army camp

we talked and discussed   
we agreed that something has to be done
so we planned a secret mission
then embarked on an epic journey 
so adventurous and dangerous
that we wished we didn't started it

2 guys and a girl
stood in the middle of a gigantic hall
the furnitures were covered with white cloths
the paintings hung on the wall
and
the faceless human statues
stood motionless...
all were covered with layer of thick dust
as if they were left untouched for centuries

the hall was dark as it may be
as if there's a hungry black hole somewhere in the room
that's been sucking up all the light it can find
there's a part of the hall that was fortunate enough to see some light 
but only by the help of the weak moonlight
which came streaming into the dark spaces
like glittering magical fairy dust 
through the window that rises from the ground to the ceiling
this place is beautiful...for a moment i was thinking...

out of the silent darkness
came low cries of wind from the window panes
and slowly out of the dark...they emerged...
one by one...
some as big as a full grown human
some as small as a mice
all came flying from behind the window panes
and in the blink of an eye they were gone
blended into the darkness of the night
leaving only those heart breaking cries in the icy air
echoing...

it was almost impossible to see them
they creeps only in the dark
behind the painting
behind the statues
underneath the covered furnitures 
and when i finally saw them
it was when it tried to grab me

they were in the form of shadows 
their hands reach out silently in the dark
when every single living creature is asleep
grabbing and stealing their spirits and souls
the more they feed the larger they grew
and as they feast upon the meals
deep painfully hollow cries can be heard
so painful that anyone who hears the cries
will remember it...for eternalty
 
i felt something pulling me
but not physically
it was as if my soul was being thorn apart
i ran as fast as i could but the feeling was still there
then finally under the soft moonlight
i saw it...
it was grinning at me...without a face
it's the shadow of darkness

i held on as strong as i could
i held on as long as i could
i could see my soul being thorn out of my body...bit by bit..
i remembered the soldiers that were unconscious
i don't want it to happen to me
i still want to live!!!

from the window
i could see the sun rising from the horizon
rays of morning sun speared into the sky
the shadow is running out of time
i knew it...it knew it too..
both struggling to win the battle

the golden light came shinning through the window  
the warm cosy sunlight shone over the hall slowly
the walls,painting,statues and furniture 
slowly came into the limelight 
and all the shadows retreat once again
to their safety of the darkness
behind the window panes
the shadow that was grabbing me
gave me the most disgusting grin 
then it was gone...with the wind...
into the dark...

i stood there for a moment 
feeling the warmth of the sunshine on my skin
it feels so good and safe to be in the light again
i'm glad that's it is over...

p/s:
this was the dream i had this morning
suppose to have a professor that look like the one in Harry Potter or Lord of the Ring
and a way to unbreak the curse which include some words like 'december' and 'september'
but i can't remember it the rest of it...

been having weird dreams since i was a kid
people always say that you dream what you watch and hear during the day
but i hardly watch tv anymore and i don't remember watching any movies like these
it's always like i'm living in another world
sometimes i'm afraid to wake up cause i'm afraid it might still be real
sometimes i just feel that i want to stay there
is this a gift or a curse on me?
does the dreams signify something?

dreams make me scared sometimes
when i wake up i feel it was so real that i wanted to cry
i wish one day that when i had an awful dream and wake up
someone will be there for me to hug me and tell me it's just a dream, everything gonna be fine
that he'll always be there for me and won't let anything hurt me
one day i'll have that
one day...







  

extremely tired today

feeling a little down too

why does this always happen?

i was perfectly fine in the morning

is it because i’m too tired?

or am i having mood swings?

 

i feel lonely…

i want to chat with someone…

ezen is in australia

pok just flew to shanghai today

and i’m scare to bug my honey too much

damn…i feel so bad now…

 

wanted to write about something

something meaningful i saw 2 weeks ago

but as usual…

i end up watching wedding videos on facebook

i love papercranes…the videos they make are so  beautiful and touching

and the songs that comes along…are so nice!!!

do check it out people if you have a chance

*recommended for girls only*

 

changed my playlist

kinda into nickelback and hinder lately

maybe cause their noisy yet meaningful music

filled up some emptiness in my heart

makes me peaceful…a little…

but i still want my honey…

really miss you a lot…

 

今天忽然有个领悟

一直以来都觉得自己没变过

还是中五时的那个无知月爱

可是今天忽然觉得我已变了

心变还是人变?我不清楚...

只觉得有所不同了...

也许我经历过的事使我改变吧

使我看待事情的方式不同了

不介意的事情越来越多了

生活的原则也跟以前不同

我算迷失自己了吗?

可是现在的我

开心多了

轻松多了

 

我偶尔还是回想起他

尤其是听梁静茹的歌时

所以现在很少听梁静茹了

对不起啊静茹...我很喜欢你的

只是你的歌会勾起很多关于他的回忆

要怪就怪他吧...

 

想起他,我觉得很对不起现任的男朋友

可是是正常的吧?

其实我分不清爱了

现在的男友很会弄我笑

但我觉得还是缺少什么的

而我也很缺乏信心

没去想以后会怎样

没抱很大的希望

觉得这种恋情不会耐吧?

就顺着看吧...

给个机会自己给个机会别人

顺其自然吧...

 

10.15pm

good night world

今天想流泪,可以吗?

yesterday was a great day
work was horrible and tiring
that i fell asleep the moment i reach home
without even having my shower first
but the rest of the night was just...FANTASTIC!!!

went yamcha with thian hoe,danny and angie
danny came all the way from gombak to subang just to have nasi goreng siam
great spirit...i respect that...
but cause of that i get to satisfy my nasi goreng siam craving...
hehehe...
=)

called my honey after yamcha
sorry sorry sorry 
i know i'm bugging you again
but i miss you too much
but so happy that i get to hear your voice
and you spend time chatting with me on msn till almost 2am
happy happy happy

sister made breakfast for me
so full now
thank you chieh yen
=)

i'm in a fantastic mood this morning
today will be another great day
^.^

8.05am
starting work now


congratz to danny
hope you two happy always
=)

hope everyone will be happay

12.52pm
lunch time lor!!!

my optimism is fading...

and

 so i said


hi...

i'm ai

do you want to have McD fries and ice cream with me?


8.00am

a word

a hug

a kiss

from you

are like magic 

and i feel alright already

XOXO


hope you get well soon

=)


it’s the middle of the night

everyone’s asleep

it’s so quiet

without any music on

it’s just me

and the silence of the night

 

it’s almost 1am and i’m still awake

i can’t fall asleep

i’m missing you

can’t figure out which comes first though

 

can’t sleep cause i’m thinking of you

or

thinking of you so i can’t sleep

 

confusing…

maybe it’s both

 

i saw this coming

but i told myself to be brave

take a chance

what’s the worst that can happen?

 

maybe i’m too naive

to think that everything gonna be fine

 

can someone prove me to be wrong?

that i’m not too naive

 

please…

 

wonder where you are now

wonder what you are doing now

 

missing you alone in the dark

doesn’t feel good

 

1.07am

 

i’ll try get some rest

need to work tomorrow

 

good night

love you

 

missing someone is the most wonderful feeling in the world

yet it may also be the most awful feeling 

 

i miss him so sooooo much…:(

haven chat with him for days…

and i’m feeling really awful and sad today…

so what do i do to counteract this feeling?

i treat and pamper myself to the fullest

and doing things i always wanted to…=)

 

baked a chocolate cake

did hair masque

had a body and face scrub

then had a nice warm shower

and now i’m enjoying aroma therapy in my room

with the curtains down and the air-cond on

while doing my face masque and blogging…=)

and my bed is just AWESOME!!!

changed the bed sheet and comforter yesterday

it is soooo comfy and pretty and clean!!!

 

ooh…it’s time!!

hehehe…

next is lotion then follow by a nice nap

now i don’t feel that awful anymore

=)

 

4.22pm

really hoping that i can chat with you tonight

i shall not complain

i shall say nothing

saying things out loud just makes them worse

i learn to keep them inside of me

i learn to be silent

but sometimes it just feels really frustrating

 

i’m really tired

i’m gonna sleep now

nite nite

 

2.13am

if you ever happens to come online

just nudge me

if not then it’s ok

love you

nitez…

i keep craving for things today since i started work

i want to eat…someone please bring me go eat…

i’m suffering from not getting to satisfy my crave…

:(

 

-fries & ice cream from McD

-choc swiss roll

-famous amos choc cookies

-fish n chips from radi corner

-nasi goreng siam & teh o ais limao from dsantai

-ikea’s meatballs & daim cake

-mdm. kwan’s nasi bojari

-chicken chop and the AWESOME mushroom soup from fullhouse

-bento from Meiting Japanese Restaurant near college

-peach flavor bubble milk tea

-the desert with taro balls from snowflake

-a great tasting thin crust pizza

-my hometown “longkang” mee

-the kaya balls and “ai yu bing” from the pasar malam at my hometown

-satay celup from melaka

-desert at ice monster sunway pyramid

-choc cake from delicious

 

i think that’s all…

not that many pun ma…

 

11.10pm

eating yogurt

wanna gain weight

hehehe…

what happens when i don’t listen to what my body wants?

well…i’ll get totally exhausted and feels like passing out any time

didn’t rest today as i said i will but did as many house chores as i can

this is what i normally do when i’m upset or feeling unhappy

it stops my mind from thinking too much

i totally pushed myself to the limit today

but it does feel good to be able to complete so many tasks in a day

finally canceling off many items on my to do list…=)

 

i not really sure what to do now

you’ve been missing since yesterday

you didn’t show up last night on msn

that’s ok with me as you might be out enjoying

but you didn’t show up during the day too

i’m getting a little worried

are you okay?

are you safe?

or did you have to spend the night in the cage again?

or did you got involved in an accident?

wondering if i should call the number you gave me

but i don’t wanna bug you…

i don’t know what to do…

 

7.04pm

going for dinner now

today’s mood is *thumbs down*

crap…

my heartbeat is abnormal again today…:(

don’t feel like getting up and do things…

feel like sleeping the day through…

damn…i hate it when this happens…

 

11.56am

just woke up

going to lay down and think

finished converting and editing the pictures already!!!

 



)



 

1.57am

waited but…

i’m tired

going to sleep now

nite nite

today was suppose to be a stay at home and sleep day

but all of the sudden my brother in law asked my sister and me if we wanna go to the waterfalls

the randomness that i like so much keeps happening in my life…wee!!!…=)

so as usual i said yes and in one hour time we were off on our adventurous journey!!!

 

i think the waterfall is situated in hulu langat, selangor

it’s called perdek waterfalls and is about an our hour drive from subang

excluding the time we got lost trying to find the place…xD

but it was fun cause we get to see old kampung houses

and a damn big damn nice villa which has a lake in front of the house!!!

 

the entrance road to the waterfall was so hidden that we need to asked the local villagers for directions

and the road leading to the waterfall was even “wonderful”

it was soooooooo narrow and has holes here and there like there was a war recently

lucky thing my brother in law is AWESOME driver…hehehe…although i did fear secretly in my heart…lol…

 

we finally made it to the place but we needed to park the car somewhere and walk a distance

it was like jungle trekking!!for a moment there i felt like i was a scout again…love that feeling

but the stupid thing was we wore slippers…

which make it very hard to walk and cause me to get cuts

and places around waterfalls as usual are full of molded rocks and stones

it was all slippery and i nearly fell a few times

but overall it was a nice hike although we didn’t made it to the top

cause the sun was setting and we don’t really want to get stuck in the dark jungle

 

my sister and me did played in the water for a while

but it was freaking cold!!!!

and the worse part is there no place for us to change and shower

so we had to get into the car in our wet condition and drove back all the way back to subang

the wetness was cold enough…plus the air-cond?OMG…i thought i would freeze to death

but i eventually fell asleep cause the hike really did worn me out totally

 

conclusion?

today was fun and happy

and i’m grateful for that

=)

 

~below are some pictures from camera~

~enjoy~

=)

~as usual…started taking pictures in the car already…this is my bottle water…hehehe~

 

~the huge villa with the lake in front of the house~

 

   ~me feet…=)~

 

~the boulder~

 

~i think i’m taking the picture of the tree trunk…??~

 

~my sis~

 

~me…trying to post like my sis but failed…:(~

 

~i don’t know why but i like this picture~

 

~the blue bug that attacked my sis!!!~

 

~it looks like a cave but it’s not,i don’t know what it is~

 

~my sis dslr at the rock~

 

~just a view from the first pit stop~

 

~slippers~

 

~this is how professional take pictures!!!~

 

~views from the second pit stop~

~ok la,can see that i’m experimenting with my camera la~

 

~me~

=)

 

~chieh yen and me…:)~

 

~i took this camera with the flash on and it turned out with a spooky feel…~

~the yellow light? i don’t know where it came from…and i don’t wanna know either…~

 

~stacking stone…maybe was done by the last visitors~

 

~view from the third and final pit stop~

 

~i taking pictures of how professionals take pictures…lol…~

 

PC110144

~it wanted me to take it’s picture!!!it keeps floating back to me…maybe it’s lonelly…:(~

 

~me sister~

 

~picture of me sister taking pictures…XD~

 

~my poor blistered feet…:(~ 

 

~slippers…again…~

 

~me emo pic…hahaha…~

 

~my happy sister…=)~

 

~this tree is weird…all the fruits grow at the brunches…???~

 

~my sister in her drenched clothes~

 

~me soaking wet and freezing cold!!!!~

 

~it looks like a magical tree right?hehehe…~

 

~actually this place looks kinda of an enchanted forest,but i couldn't capture that feeling…~

~i sucks in photography right?~

=(

 

~the bridge was ruin and…they used rocks to fill the gap!!!~

~how brilliant!!!using natural resources is great!!!~

=)

 

~the trail in which we entered to get to the wonderful hidden places~

~wonder what lies ahead for me in life…if i don’t take the steps i would never know,right?~

~life is beautiful and wonderful,i believe it to be that way~

=)

 

more pictures coming up!!!

from my sister’s dslr

but will upload it in a different post

 

10.47pm

waiting for my honey to come online

=)

爱情从缘分开始
却靠努力和坚强来维持
勇敢去爱
勇敢去闯
勇敢地去受伤吧
活着要爱得无悔
我不想后悔也没有后悔
大家好...我是月爱...

Blog Archive

♥songs for you♥