After a month or so in KL, it was time for me to go back to Tampin again.I’m getting comfortable with my life in KL,too comfortable that I begun to feel reluctant to go back home.I know it’s called home for a reason,but this home is not the home I really want to go back to anymore. It’s a place where shadows of the past are just prying on me,trying to grab me and pull me down into the darkness again.Tampin is a small town,news spread fast and people talk,in front and at the back,this is for sure…
I admit that I was afraid to go back.But I didn’t expected that it would still hurt so much.On the train and the bus,I blasted rock songs at full volume to chase the fear away and fill up the emptiness inside.I closed my eyes and I blocked all my senses that I normally use to see and feel every little beautiful part of life that I normally observe.But the devil in me won’t let me go,the nearer it gets to home,the more depressed i felt,and soon before i even notice, tears were rolling in my eyes again.I tried the best i could to hold them back,can’t let my sister see me cry,can’t let my parents see me cry,not after so long…
It’s easy when you keep doing the same thing for a period of time.I’m getting good at it too. To keep all my emotions and put on a big smile.Maybe that’s why there is a saying children are the most pure and true in this world,cause they don’t hide their feelings and emotions.But as we get older,we learn to control them,for the sake of ourselves and our loved ones.Slowly without knowing it,we put on layers upon layers of masks that we eventually forgot which one is our true self. When we finally notice it’s time to be “me” again and try to find it,we become confused and amazed by seeing how a life’s journey have shaped and changed a person…but that all won’t happen soon,it’ll happen maybe in another 30 to 50 years time,when I’ll be really tired of life and just want to go back to the beginning…even now i feel that i have changed,maybe it’s my first mask…who knows what I’m going to turn out to be,not a bad person i hope…
Before arriving, took a breath as deep as i could,gathered all my fear and sadness,kidnapped the useless part of me,then thrown them all into the deepest darkest room in my heart,locked the door and hid the key somewhere,put on a smile then greeted daddy and gave mommy a big hug…yes,I love them a lot…love them too much that I don’t want them to see me in the condition they saw previously,I know it hurts them to see me like that,I don’t want them to worry anymore…
Thank you honey for talking to me yesterday.Today is another day without you.I do wonder and sway sometimes…but I’ll hold on as long as I could,I’m hoping things will get better…I really do…
maybe it’s hormone imbalance
i assumed this sometimes to make myself feel better
11.36pm
0 comments:
Post a Comment