Ai's Diary

i may complain i may whined about my life

but there’s nothing that i can do to change it, can i?

this is my life.c’est ma vie.

 

psycho test was okay for some part while bad for some

all i can do is cross my finger and hope for the best

miss khor was kind enough to extend the dateline for the assignment to Wednesday

because we have sales midterm to study for tomorrow

but i have no book to study.how?

will be going to college at 6pm to borrow the red spot book

luckily i am a regular at the library that they kind enough to me

just hope that got book la

 

c’est ma vie

good at time bad at the others

hoping it will be all over soon

 

4.58pm

can’t wait to go to the beach

 

type A people: get ENRAGED and THROW the lemons back, having a minor heart  attack while doing so

 

type B people: gather all the lemons and make LEMONADE

 

type C people: don’t say a thing but fume INSIDE where no one can see

 

type H people: gather all the lemons,make lemonades,SELL it,turn it into a franchise business, and make MILLIONS$$$

 

Studied a little psycho before going to work,it’s very interesting.

i think i’m type C. thus i’m prone to having cancer.xD

what type do you think you are?

 

psycho test is three chapter and i only finished half of the first chapter

how la to survive? tonight come back from work also so late edi.

need all the energy i can get.grr…gambateh

 

10.16am

 

it’s been hard lately

the feeling of tightness in the chest is always there

it won’t go away i can hardly breath properly

trying to make myself happy by looking at pictures

just trying to see if it will help

 

discovering a nice place to dine and relax

looking at the sky and clouds

beautiful sunset on the way home

taking pictures of unique lights

secretly taking pictures of friends

  playing HAPPY FAMILY card game while waiting for food

spongebob cake!!!

funny and random things we do in the bakery

crayon simchan cake

looking and drooling for another of andy’s marvelous creation

a gigantic cookie monster cake

cute winnie the pooh and friends cup cake

 

9.10am

have to go work in bandar putri puchong soon

trying to be positive today

psychology assignment,psychology test and sales midterm

can i handle them all in one go?

good luck to me

i’m tired i’m just tired i’m too tired

is the feeling of being so tired that i have to drag myself to do everything

the feeling of so tired that i want to just stop and just sit wherever i was

but no i can’t do that so i continue dragging and pushing myself

some people say we need to push ourselves forward

but is that good is that how it should be?

 

i know he meant good to come surprise me

but sometimes it burdens me in way that he doesn’t know or think

i don’t mind spending time with him during my free time even during my short breaks

but disturbing me during working time is another matter

i have enough to handle and that surprise you gave me doesn’t help

it just add to my burden and feeling of guilt

because i can’t put my things down to teman you

and because i have store managers eyes on me

it just makes me really tired

you just don’t understand

you don’t think about consequences that i might face cause of that

please don’t do that again i’m having enough things to handle and to worry about

i don’t need more

 

10.40pm

first day sales=rm0

good night

i fail terribly today

i fail to play my part as the presenter

i fail to present the finding at the last minute

i am terribly sorry to everyone in my group

i am very very very sorry i failed so badly

 

skipping sales management class to prepare wasn’t good enough

the worst part was my friends skipped the class to help me out as well

but i failed.effort made by them but i failed to present. i failed.

 

why am i such a failure?

why other people can do but i can’t?

why i keep causing problems for others?

why can’t i be better than what i am now?

why am i so useless?

 

was crying in the toilet today in college

it felt so safe in there alone

that small cubicle is like a safe house

every time i opened the door i felt so vulnerable

so i closed the door again and continue sitting inside

 

what am i still doing here?

all i know is to hide and cry when i’m afraid or there’s something i can’t overcome

such a simple thing as presenting also i can’t do it

why?why?why?i don’t understand why.i don’t understand why i’m so useless

 

i’m so sorry i failed.

thank you ezen for presenting

 

p/s: didn’t ate mc donald’s ice cream as planned cause my failure ruin the mood for doing so.=(

       sorry i ezen i don’t know what to reply you when you message me

i finally broke down today
i am no supergirl i am no strong enough
or maybe i am not as strong as i think i am

the feeling of being a trouble to almost everyone around me is is...i don't know the word to describe it
the feeling of being a trouble and unwanted....i am a trouble for my sister,her parents in-laws,my parents,my eldest sister,hsiang,my friends,my employer...etc...just everyone...

the bubble inside me just burst
feeling frustrated and stress and anger and a whole lot of negative feeling
small little expectations from so many people build up stress inside of me
expectation from my parents that i can do well in my studies and work well to take care of myself
expectation from my second sister and eldest sister to get good result
expectation from hsiang expectation from friends expectation from my agent to meet sales target
little by little that it accumulated that it became so big
but i was able to sustain it although i was barely coping with everything while grasping for air
but today is a bad day and it disrupted the balance and it burst
i'm frustrated and screaming in my heart so hard that i want to be free
but can anyone hear me?no. so i close the door and cry in my room

the unpleasantness happen this afternoon i was willing to put aside and let myself cool down
cleaned my room,did laundry changed the sheets and had an sweet afternoon nap
then i read what he wrote...and that was it...
went to dinner at 6.30pm,was happy thinking that will be back early so i can do assignment
ended up being there till 8.30pm cause brother in law went out to fetch his father in petaling
have you any idea how jam is it to go out 6pm+ and come back
how long we have to waited
then was the other thing that happen

i'm emotionally unstable now
the string of events that happened today triggered the sensitive part of me and now i'm down flat
everything that i have to do is in a standstill mode
i know i need to do my assignment and i have to
i will skip sales class tomorrow so i can burn the midnight oil tonight

i'm a person who keep unhappy things inside of me
that's not good cause it will build up gradually
i need someone to talk to
but i don't know who...
someone that is not here

 

there’s a batch of new stuff at the bakery last week

all the staff love them so much

each of us can’t help it but to play with them

including ME =)

most importantly they are COLORFUL!!!

 

each day is a GIFT

NOT a given right

 

3.33pm

giving myself some alone time

psycho says i should give some time to myself to do something i love

it’s been awhile since the last time i blog

been so busy with so many stuff

college assignments, presentation and working

all so time consuming and tiring

each night the only thing that i’m looking forward to is to rest on my bed

to fall peacefully asleep into my own sweet world

but somehow before i sleep the only thing that is on my mind is the long pending list of to-do-s

how i wish one day that i can just lay there and let my imagination run wild

if only life would be that easy huh?

 

anyway,went back tampin last weekend and had a blast

hsiang followed me back for the second time

this time we went to tangkak waterfall

the best part? i drove the whole way there!!!

muahaha!!!who says i’m a bad driver?!

i drove 2 hours straight across 3 borders ok.xD

the picture ice cream dear took when i was driving

i just love the big blue sky =)

 

the long 2 hours journey of kampung road

so much nicer that kl

  an extremely important proof to show that i drove xD

on the way UP to the waterfall

the greens and…noisy people…X_X

syiok sendiri time ^^

the light is shinning down on me

  the wonders of nature

and i sang the spider song whole day that day xD

mommy in my secondary school tracksuit

i hated that tracksuit so much

can’t believe she still kept it…and WORE it

  MAKAN TIME!!!

can’t imagine that driving can make me so hungry

mommy and daddy rested at our picnic spot

ice cream dear and i went exploring

and we climb the OH SO HIGH stairs

pengsan X_X

take picture!take picture!

to prove we climb all the way up

actually was climb half way “tired la”

so stop and “rest” and take picha!!xD

  FREEZE!!!

i think hsiang should go for the flashmob thngy victor is doing

so sad that i have work if not sure drag him  go edi

=(

some real photography time for ice cream dear

with my help of course xD

my shoes again but hey it’s a nice picture right?

    the “tong air”

erm…erm…why i look so garang ar?

 my mommy…my lovely mommy…

i sayang my mommy so much

*hugs*

and of course my ss picha

but somehow i look different

 

review for tangkak waterfalls

hmm…dirty dirty dirty DIRTY!!!

the washroom is freaking dirty

pay 50 cents just to change

but inside door no lock

lights pun tak ada

gelap gelap kotor kotor

so menggelikan

there people collecting money but never do anything

i so damn angry wanted to marah that uncle edi

lucky ice cream dear stopped me

conclusion is never gonna go there again

unless they improve the place

 

9.36am

oh my gosh so late edi

gotta go to class

would you to die for someone you love knowing that person would bear the greatest pain ever for losing you? which one would you rather have?

to save the person you love and let him/her go through all the pain alone

or to let the person die and grief for the rest of your life

it’s a hard decision isn’t it?

but at that brink moment most people would choose to save the person we love

because when we love someone we want no harm to come upon them

 

queen Victoria and prince Albert had 9 children together

and they ruled England for 20 years together

but prince Albert died of typhoid at the age of 42

queen Victoria laid out his clothes every single day in memory of him

every single day until the day she passed away at the age of 81

can you imagine living everyday without a person you love for over 40 years?

she is strong in character and she is extraordinary

she is by no coincidence the Queen of England

 

"i am stronger that i look”

quoted from Queen Victoria

from the movie The Young Victoria

what ever happen to my slow and easy life

everything seems to happen so fast

time seems to fly so fast

 

100 pages more of psychology to read

haven include putting those information into long term memory

implication part for my response paper

 

oh dear oh dear oh dear

been reading so long that nothing fits in my head anymore

what to do?what to do?what to do?

 

am a little in panic mode right now

i wish i have more time

or at least the ability to be awake and alert longer

 

i need all the luck and time i need

wish me luck

he showed up at my gate with home cooked porridge and a mug of warm honey
and we sat at the porch to chat while the cold wind blows
isn't he the best boyfriend ever? i'm so lucky.
what am i ever going to do without him...
thank you dear...you are the best
*hugs*

11.02pm

so i decided to skip college today,i’m a bad bad girl and student =(

it was a wise decision though,my fever came and go several times

started coughing very badly too…*cries*

the whole day was spent in bed,drinking water and making a thousand trips to the toilet

am craving for so much food now which none of them i can eat, pizza indo mee,maggie goreng,spaghetti etc.

i am hungry…the only thing i ate for the whole day were mini buns,empty buns =(

please get well soon my body…i know you can…just try to get well k?

i gave you the rest you wanted so now it’s your turn to let me do my stuff

 

every time i fall sick it’s a combo deal i don’t know why

appetizer will be the sore throat followed by the main course flu

next is the fever and finally the dessert the cough which can last up to a month

been like this since young, have i not built enough immunity yet?

 

tried to read the article for psychology respond paper

it’s been one whole day and i still can’t finish reading it

so hard to concentrate…maybe i have ADHD? X_X

i wonder what they learn in psychology class today

so sad that i missed it…miss khor class is so interesting

 

my ice cream dear also fall sick edi

must be my fault…now he is sleeping

lucky all his exams are over

just hope that he’ll get well fast

 

6.50pm

"I have no special talents,I am only passionately curious."-Albert Einstein

a phrase from the article for my respond paper =)

i miss my mommy and daddy

i miss living in tampin with them

 

when i was sick daddy would say "today no need go school,stay home and rest."

when i was sick mommy would do everything for me and would cook her porridge

daddy would come and check on me from time to time even during the night when i was sleeping

mommy will get ready medicine for me when it was time

daddy would stack up the pillows high enough so i can breath

mommy would sit besides me and pats my back until i fall asleep

 

now in subang living on my own

i have to work i have to go class i have to do everything on my own

come back from work have to get ready my own dinner and do the dishes

in my room i am all alone don’t even know if i’m having a fever or not

 

i wish i could have a break i really do so badly that i want to break down cry now

有点委屈的感觉了...

i really really really miss mommy and daddy now

can i skip class tomorrow? please…

 

10.15pm

second day down with a cold and it sucks like hell
skipped work yesterday to rest hoping to get well
but the miracle i expected never happen
i have so many things to do still
in a condition like this i can't really do anything
i'm either dozing of to lala land or stoning
please get well soon
i really need to do lots of things

izzit a sign of my body wanting me to rest?

9am
dear's outside edi
=)

it's gonna be a busy week ahead

 

1. goodie bag for sales management

   -paper bag

   -pen

   -paper with letter heads

   -paper weight stone

   -postcard

   -flyer

   -business cards

   -file

   -mineral water

   -snacks

(do 2 items a day maybe)

 

2. psychology quiz 2 on tuesday

 

3. work as usual on monday,tuesday and wednesday

 

4. gotta study for psychology midterm next week

 

5. gotta do psychology respond paper

 

and newly added to the list

 

6. photoshoot for my dear honey stephanie at desa park city in kepong with the help of hsiang and photography club president yee yang and other members on saturday with me as the manager and gotta think and find outfit for my dear honey.hard task.

 

faintz…i see also i scare edi.

 

will i survive? let’s see about that.xD

went to Sungai Wang today with ice cream dear

we got over what ever that happen yesterday it seems

i slept and forget all the bad stuff that happened

and he showed up at my front gate in the morning

my silly ice cream cycled all the way from usj 2 to my house

*hugs* thank you dear and you smell even you bath this morning :P

 

bad memory and forgetting stuff seems to be the best and worst part of me

good cause i easily forget thus i can forgive

bad in the sense that i can’t remember memories

if only i can control what to forget and what to remember

maybe miss khor will teach in psychology class?xD

 

anyway, took the bus with ice cream dear to kl central

then we switch to monorel all the way to sungai Wang

it’s the first time we took public transport together the whole way to kl

it was fun and i like sitting beside my ice cream dear talking and playing

the bus was vibrating so badly that we said we were getting free massage

and the bus driver was very very kind too

coincidently we took the same bus to get back to subang

and the bus driver remember me!!!so happy!!!hehe…

 

ice cream dear sat in mcD studying while waiting for me

the training was very very VERY LONG…close to 3 hours

hearing the all the product range and the benefits of ROC

it’s a skin care product from France and god damn it’s expensive

and surprisingly i’m one of the 2 person that didn’t even need to send a resume to get the job

special thanks to my kind supervisor that has taken care of me since last year

she recommended and brought me in and hire me straight away

and among all the people she only remember and recognize me

*proud proud* guess all my hard work paid off in the end

 

after the training went to makan at the *hidden food court*

hehe…ice cream dear would never had found that place without me

then we kia kia a bit and brought him to the upper most level

dear dear never really been to sungai wang before nor the bukit bintang area

i so sad that i cannot bring him explore more.shall put that in my to do list

*bring dear go explore bukit bintang*hehe…

bought a face mask from yokoso and pretzel

i was left with not a single penny in my purse afterwards

i am officially broke…*cries*

 

teman dear walk back to usj 2 after reach home

a long walk seems like a short walk

guess the theory of time is relative is true huh?

and some of the view are very very nice

it’s like slowing down to take a look at the surrounding

discovering how i missed those beautiful scenes each day

played with an orange color toby kitten which i named it Tiger in less than 5 minutes at dear’s house

haha…but sneeze after that.somehow i am allergic to cats but i still love and can’t help it to hug them

aunty kuan said they are dirty but i don’t know why i don’t really mind that…i am such a weird person

 

the only downturn today is caused by my sister

she always know how to put a *good* end to my perfectly nice day

well it can’t always be perfect right?

and thus i loss the chance to follow ice cream dear and his family to subang parade for dinner and shopping

am so damn sad of that i miss the chance to meet vig’s mom that came visiting from London too…=(

 

took all the coins out from my tabung while ice cream dear is busy with his family

spent almost an hour counting the money

it’s quite a big sum of money though not enough for me to buy a camera

but the funds shall proceeds the the *sem break holiday* organization XD

just hope that will be able to manage to save up enough money

gambateh dear ai.you can do it!!

 

it took me 2 years to fill up my “happy boy”

kinda sad to take all the coins out

and i think he felt sad too

cause he don’t let the coins at his head out

i had psycho him a little before he was willing to let go

xD

 

Little House

Amanda Seyfried

I love this place

But it’s haunted without you

my tired heart is beating so slow

our heart sing less

than we wanted

we wanted

our heart sing’s cause

we do not know

we do not know

to light the night

to help us grow

to help us grow

it is not said

i always know

you can catch me

don’t you run

don’t you run

if you live another day

in this happy little house

the fire is here to stay

to light the night

to help us grow

to help us grow

it is not said

i always know

please don’t make a fuss

it’s won’t go away

the wonder of it all

the wonder that i made

i am here to stay

i am here to stay

 

*last song in my playlist*

=)

for my dear ice cream

i’m here to stay

you know?
you will feel the pain only when it matters
he broke my heart the first time today and it hurts

good night.
11.18pm

the moment you decided to walk out the door

that is the moment i decided to turn around

close my eyes

take a deep breath

and try to smile the best i could

 

a long walk with doggie is good in a way

it makes me think about many things

maybe i should set what is my priority again

and the dragonflies i saw were beautiful

never thought i could see that in a city

it made my day a little brighter

=)

 

tired+sad=movie+sleep

 

8.11pm

nite nite

remember yesterday i said i was watching a movie?

well i was watching "dear john"

there’s this song in the movie that i really like

it make me appreciate you more

made me feel better

so shall dedicated this song to you my dear hsiang

paperweight

listen to the lyrics dear

hope you like it

=)

 

p/s:

it’s in my playlist.find it.=)

sad or unhappy?

which one sounds more positive?

it’s the same,who cares

i’m sad and unhappy now

 

found out that my favorite star Swarovski crystal pendant chipped off today

when you said something bad would happen i didn’t believe you

but it happen like within 5 minutes after you told me

 

i know i should just let it go but it’s not easy

i love that pendant very very very much

since that i don’t have many necklaces

and it’s hard to find something that i really like and suits me

i cherish and treasure whatever i have a lot

one thing for sure i take good care of them

 

some people may say that

"oh well just get a new one why make such a big deal out of it?"

yes i can always get something identical to it

or maybe another new necklace

but to me it won’t be the same

it will never be the same

each item has it’s own value to me

although it may varies and decreases as time goes by

there is still a value that is irreplaceable

 

not many people understand this

people don’t understand me

 

why am i crying over a chipped pendant?

sorry that i’m such a weird person

 

p/s:

chieh yen gave that necklace to me as a birthday present

 

8.20pm

no mood today

if there is something in your gut

that you know you feel is right

you gotta go after it no matter what

-gilmore girls