I survived two papers in one day again. How many times have it been? Going through finals exam like this, getting scared alone yet pulling it through somehow. The moment the pen is put down, nothing really matters anymore isn't it? Because nothing can be changed, just like life. It's a do or die thing and a one way street which doesn't allow any turning back.
Been watching Nana anime again. It's really something that story. Read the manga, but watching the anime just brings back that same feeling. It's like a drug really, drowning me in ecstasy pulling me into that world. If I could I wouldn't mind being Hachi, staying in that world staying by Nana side forever.
Ne Nana...I love the way you sing so confidently. I will never forget the way you stood on that table and sang beneath the moonlight. I will never forget the day you kissed on my lips. Nor will I forget the day you said "I'll buy you the house with a garden with the money I will earn from my first song". Hachi was right. If you were a guy I would love you. でも...I think I still love you the way you are.
I am like Hachi but not exactly alike. Maybe that's why I relate to her so much that I can feel her pain. But...I do not have a friend like Junko who will worry about me cutting my wrist if I ever find out Shouji was cheating. And I don't have someone like Nana to defend me and be with me, hugging me while I cry through the night. If I were in Japan, I think I really would jump into the Tama River that winter night.
I have Risa-chan right now. But she's not really like Nana. But we share the same dream, that's something at least. I really want to do that. Having that Hachi and Nana life. Living in that sort of apartment. Occasionally we can have breakfast and coffee by the river in the morning. I'll work hard to earn a living during the day and at night I'll show up at the studio to see you sing with the rest of the band. I'll go to your live and I'll prepare the celebration meal. We'll gather around that table eating, chatting and drinking Asahi till we're drunk. And on cold nights I'll sneak into your bed and we'll cuddle to sleep. During summer we'll go the the festivals to sea the fireworks together. On your birthday I'll get you something Vivienne Westwood.
We'll live our life in that apartment. With that 50's refrigerator we bought. We'll drink from our strawberry glasses and brace the heat during summer with no air conditioning system. We'll get into the bathtubs sometimes and scrub each other's back while talking about our feelings and problems. We'll sit by the dining table that you made for our apartment for dinner having nabe, sukiyaki, omoe rice etc. I'll make the cakes and desserts and you can cook your overly salty miso soup. Ren can come over sometimes so as Takumi. But I don't really want to touch the part when Ren died. Cause it hurt you so much that you disappeared. Ne Nana, the reason I like you so much is because you don't give up easily on the people you love and care. You do it in your own way. Like when Ren went away or with Nobu and Yasu. And like how you deal with Hachi. Hachi is a really high maintenance person, just like me but you could handle it. Like Hachi, I think I will love you more than I love my own family and/or my lover. If only I can meet you...and be the Hachi that stays beside you...
Nana, you have a dream to make it on your own with your music. But, I am more like Hachi wondering still what do I really want in life. Clothes, books, all the material things but somehow it doesn't seem satisfying. Hachi says it's greedy. Is that so? Ne Nana...when Hachi makes those types of remarks do you ever think "she has such simple dreams, it must really be easy to be happy and satisfied". But those dreams, are just desires that are not significant enough to make a life meaningful. But being apart of something, like being apart of the band, even playing the smallest part in the making of it gives some warmth to the heart.
Black Stone, the cigarette that Yasu, you and other band mates smoke also lingers around the room. To have them, to be surrounded by them is like having a family isn't it? I wonder if I can have something like that one day. The detachment from family and friends here is getting serious, although on the surface things seems to be fine. But I guess one day I'll just leave without any holding back. どうしてyou may ask. There's not much meaning left here から.
Ahhh...Nana you have thrown me into the swirling pool again. Just like when you did when I read your manga. Every single bit of it touch my heart. Hachi...I don't really have the qualification to be her. She remained a pure hearted person till the end, although she made choices that hurt others in order to survive. But me, I've let whatever darkness there is to consume and change me. Or maybe perhaps I am like this from the very start. そう, will you still accept me Nana?
I will somehow find my way there how ever long it will take me. Even if I were to live along, I can start all over again. I've told Risa chan that it doesn't matter where I go, this feeling will consume me. But I believe I'll meet people, people like Risa chan that makes it worthwhile sometimes. Perhaps, befriends some rockbands in the making as well if we are lucky enough. All are dreams, but they won't remain as dreams as Risa chan said. Let's really hope so...
"Travel to the moon
kima wa nemuri yume wo toku
dare mo inai hoshi no hikari ayatsuri nagara"
-Nana ending song #1
はいはい、アイちゃんです！
こんしゅうにほんごのべんきょうおわりした。
テストにAがありました！はいはい！Aですね！
でも、はなしますとかきますがあまりわかりません。
そう、にほんごのべんきょうします。
らいしゅうにだいがくのしけん。
でもべんきょうしていません。
ああああああ～
テストがたいへんむずかしです。
わたしはのあたまがよくないです。
けさわたしとリサちゃんいっしょにVisual Battle Royaleがみました。
とてもおもしろかったです。
Alice NineとSCREWとViVIDがいました。
みなさんはたいへんかっこいいでした！
はい、こんばんのれんしゅうおわりました。
わたしのにほんごはまちがいがたくさなります。
ごめんなさい。。
it's been very long since i take some time off to explore blogger
the new interface is really something...still not used to it though
and there's even this statistics thingy
apparently i have many views from Russia
Russia?? i don't remember having anyone close there
anyhow, thank you for visiting often stranger(s) ^^
my finals is next week
study progress is sloooooooooooooow
instead i spent time doing ecchi talk with risa chan
and listening to tons and tons of music
from jrock to mandarin pop to jazz to ballads etc
tonight playlist is david choi though
his voice and slow song help calms me a little
especially on hot and dry nights like these
he's coming to Malaysia performing at the royal albert hall
i want to go so badly...like really really want to go...
but cash...i need to pay for my japanese class too
can only choose either one...
wuwuwuwu...
here's what i'm listening while writing this. :)
revisiting the past through old posts
it has been almost a year now
time really flies
there's not much pain that comes from love or broken relationships
just tears out of insecurities and loneliness
the heart is still fragile no matter how strong i want it to be
where to find the strength?
where to find the direction?
i am still lost
even lost than 4 years back
what do i want to do?
what do i love?
answers that no other can provide me...
answers that even me myself can't answer
at least for now
made a reconnection with an old friend
but i guess people are very realistic after all
i wish Risa-chan is by my side right now
i would love her hugs and cuddles so much
