Ai's Diary

The boyfriend will be back in another 2 more days.Wohoo!!!Can't believe that it has been almost a month since he left for NZ.Time flies yet the coming 2 days seems like taking forever to past.Had an awesome chat on the msn with my dear a moment ago.It felt good to be talking to him again tho i still miss his voice and hugs and pedo smile very much.December has been a lonely month for me.But thanks to precious company from friends and family and a whole lot of working time i managed to get through it.Thanks to everyone.Cheers.=)

 

they say summer won't be perfect without a summer love

it will be extremely lonely for those who are single

but in malaysia it's summer all year round

so we can have summer love all the time

but lonely all the time as well

i know i am lonely when he is not around

but lucky i have good friends

=)

 

Sister is in a bad mood again.I really despise it when this happens cause she show it out and make me feel uncomfortable.She give me that beh song look and talk.It happens very frequent that i think i should get used to it by now.But somehow it still affects me.Trying not to let this spoil my wonderful mood chatting with my dear.

*shoos the sad and bad thought away*

it's been 3 months since i blog.
opened a few blog here and there and decided that my i still love this blog the most.
the theme the backdrop the music and everything in it.
yup i combined everything to this blog and still i stopped writing for 3 months.
unbelievable.
but i am back and the this blog is back alive.
yay!!
so people come stalk me again.xD
though i don't think i will blog daily as i used to.
life is very busy these days.
anyways happy that i decided on this.
=)

at times i noticed that the people that care really cared and i know how i much i love them because they were always there when i need them and we do the things that are crazy so that our hearts can be mend so that we can get through it together so that we can try to get on with life and that's why there are some friends i love them more than i can say and i want to say thank you for always telling me things and doing things with me that makes me happy and reminding me of what are the little things that can make me happy even when you're far away and i can't really hug you and cry my hearts out.and that's is so important than i wake up in tears i still have that little will to make myself a little better.

i'm breaking at the cracks
and everything goes black
it's another heart attack
and i can't handle that

女生当爱了终会放下然后退让给男生。放下尊严。认输。
但是当男生知道自己有那样的权利就会开始路出真面目
男生嘴角总是会挂着他介意的是很多却不说出口只为不让女生伤心
可是只有男生这样吗？女生也马不是一样。而我们不会挂在嘴角一直说。
我们用沉默来代替争吵。可是男生说有什么事就直说。然而直说了只会有争论。
我们解释了我们的原理，你们用你们的原理来反驳我们。而最糟糕的是男女的原理是永远不会相同的。
当我们需要你时你在哪里呢？很好笑吧。我觉得真可笑。一句“我忙先了”就不见人了。
公平。什么才算是公平。对你们公平的对我们不公平。对我们公平的却对你们不公平。
女生生气你说我们太敏感介意太多。一起那样说不如说是你们对女子的需求不敏感吧。
我们细心发现的事多。介意的事也多。反而这变成了我们的弱点。
你们要我们接受你们就是那样。那我们就是这样敏感爱哭你们能接受吗？
不哭了可是要委屈。两个都不是办法。一句话就打发人走了。
过一个星期先吧。说得有多容易呢。
我好想去旅行。那样一个星期会过得快一些。有能舒适心情。
想看海。真的很想在海边住几天。可是要去哪里呢？
活了将近二十一年。经历了很多事。累了可是还是必须走。想放弃可是自己却还呼吸着。
二十一岁的蛋糕。我要许自己能在当年安详去世。累了。真的累了。活累了爱累了哭累了。

眼泪不断地流
血也不断的流
就算再痛也不如心里的痛
爱情算得了什么？
说再爱最后也是忍心看着他人痛
这算得了爱情吗？

it hurts the most when i put my whole heart for it
so pain that the only thing i wish for is death
why does this have to happen?
i've cried and scream but yet it still so pain
even when i took her up to say good bye
she bit me.even she is angry at me
love is something that i should not have touch
i think it would be different each time but in the end it hurts me back
i took a chance and it puts a knife right through my heart again and again and again
i wonder why we didn't met in an accident when she was driving 140km/hr on the highway
i really do wish that should have happen.then i would not have to feel this pain
i really wish all the pain can go away because i don't have the strength to make it through again
i need to go away but when i stand my legs can't even walk
i want to go away.i need to go away.but where.standing there wanting to go but have no place to go

please pain please go away
please go away please go away
i do not want to do it again i can't go through this again
please don't put me through this again

waking up feeling something is missing
had a terrible nightmare for 2 days in a row
but keep telling myself what's the point

vodka, muffins and gilmore girls
maybe one day i'll end up like lorelai
"i'm not happy and feeling crappy all the time"

lazy to answer
what's the point?
i opt out

my blog seems to be filled with emo posts

to what's important to me
i make everything meaningless nowadays
even the last thing that i love to do and make me happy is slipping away from me slowly-baking

it's so much easier when all i need to do is care less
just care less
that'll do

am on a silence vow starting this moment on
i just have the feeling to do so don't ask me why

just tired.of talking to people that don't understands
just tired of listening to crap people saying everyday
tired of telling people useful stuff that they just ignore
tired of listening to hippocratic people saying thing they don't mean

i have a test tomorrow.
thank you so much.

stupid butter

we all have our own lives
there's part of it that we want to share with someone special
there's part of it that we want to share it with family
there's part of it that we want to share it with friends
and there's a part of it that we want to spend it by ourselves
nevertheless, all that i want to do with my life is to live it to the fullness
as my daddy would put it
"do things to make life more meaningful.
create memories.
those are the only things that you'll have when you're old."

happy merdeka
cheers to everything and may our life be as good as ever
=)

when you putting more effort to help a person that is not taking the matter seriously himself what is the use of helping him?
it's the same as if you don't save yourself no one will.

i am up so early on a sunday morning because i am afraid to go back to bed

a great deal of laughter with huge amount of fun
going hyper and calm and hyper again many times
and fell in love with "KABOOM" sound guns

learnt that i expressed myself best in writings
and about being small in a BIG BIG world
plus how bad PMS can affect me in my mood

my dear bought me flowers today
sunflowers that are the prettiest things ever
he made me smiled from deep down
and realize how important he is to me

a hole in my heart
a hole in my stomach
and a bump on my head
but at least i had a good laugh in college

miss the times we get all excited and LOL over a simple thing
i am fun to be with when i'm with people who are fun

am looking forward to tomorrow's outing with my college mates =)

the more i read the more it hurts

do they help?

which is scarier?
me crying and saying my heart out
or me in total silence mode

You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself-Marilyn Monroe

the funny part is i like the song "love the way you lie" a lot. weird isn't it?

i walked out of the bakery and stood outside for very long today
it felt so calm and relaxing that i wished it could last forever that way
i love that weather the most, not sunny not cloudy not rainy
but the calmness before the big thunderstorm approaches

the sky turning grey and dark being swallowed by the heavy rain clouds
across the horizon lightning strike occasionally that could blind my eyes
followed by the big bangs of thunder that when it reach my ears scared me a little
and then there's the air.ahhh..the air...i can smell the rain in the air
the smell before the rain pours down and wet everything in it's way.no mercy
it's so damp so sweet so evil so cold. everything that i love to feel.

my heart is in a mess lately
i do not know what i want.i feel so lost.
i'm struggling to get out
it's like i'm trap under tons of clutter which is building up each day
and no matter how much i try i just couldn't free myself
today it's the only time in a very long time that i managed to breath
but then i've fallen back into the darkness again

i've been staring at my dinner for more than half an hour
i just don't have the appetite although my hands are getting weak
how i wish i could just stare into that sky again and feel what i felt once more
and wish that it would last forever

i am a person who is not grateful for what i have.might be.
but don't blame me for asking why i have to live like this
i have the right to question.i have the right to want a better life

you are the one who was suppose to settle me
it was an agreement which you broke half way
daddy went through hard time supporting you
it's suppose to be your turn to support me
but now i'm on my own so don't give me that look
if you can't help me at least don't add to my burden

i want to move away
i want to go far away
i want to escape from these

as for you.
no heart means no heart
i hate you from the bottom of my heart

my sister has a fantastic talent in making my life more miserable
i really don't need this right now...

my days are back to the normal routine
stressful, frustrating and in a mess the whole time

starting college means there's less time for everything else
working makes it even more harder to manage my time
having a boyfriend also takes up a lot of my time
then there's time for family and for friends
which i've been missing out a lot
not forgetting house chores
most importantly less personal time to blog about my life

i try to cover every aspect of my life
trying very hard to strike a balance
i wish i can adapt better to this life
but deep down i really wish for something better

i am thinking.maybe i'm not suitable for city life after all huh?

i've decided that it's too much of a hassle to revamp my blog
so it can be concluded that i'm not a person with patients or in other words lazy

life lately has been exciting but that doesn't means good
"if you feel that your life is boring,be grateful because it means that your life is peaceful"-Lilian Too

there are many questions unanswered
and many things on the to-do-list not done
but i have learnt to accept that life is that way
i can't have everything the way i wanted it to be
although it may frustrating at times and it made me feel like pulling off my hair

in the journey of discovering one's true self, it is unavoidable to have a tired heart and soul at times.

words that haven been spoken cannot be taken back
action and things that have happen cannot be undone

beware.
or end up in regrets

11.57am
i do not exist at this time and space

i love gilmore girls so much

as in A LOT type of much

as in i would give up eating to watch it much

 

snuggle in my blankie and watch the remaining last episode

before i have to wait another whole week for it to complete the download process

the series is nice.i laugh i cried i felt love i felt anger i felt everything in that movie

but at the end of it i felt happy because they were so happy so simple

 

i want to live in stars hollow too

dine at luke’s drinking coffee on cold winter mornings

shop at doose’s market altho taylor is damn annoying

maybe pick up dancing at miss patty’s

and work at the inn with that funny guy that speak funnily

and have a small cosy house like lorelai and rory did

 

but it’s all not real

back to reality

hate it but i have to

 

11pm

good night

thank you so much

you’ve put a great ending to my perfectly great day

 

is those time again when the only escape i have is the showers

standing under the water and scream my heart out

the weird thing is there’s no sound is coming out

but i can feel my heart is screaming so loud that it’s going to burst

yet it provides some degree of relieve that i keep doing that over and over again

 

you think you know me you think you know the reason but you are wrong

and when i choose to keep silent because i do not want to say anything bad

you did.

i’ve decided to reduce the amount of times i said the rights and wrongs for you

i’ve reduced telling what consequences may have because of your action

i’ve tried.

and i’m tired thinking for you and others

 

i hate you i hate you i hate you

i do not want to see you anymore

i do not want to talk to you ever again

these are the things that my heart is screaming

but i know i’ll regret it later so i held it in

it’s hard

 

now i’m wishing very hard.very hard.i wish it will come true.

 

10.15pm

i swear this is the ever last time i am going to love somebody

i’ve had enough.i swear.

i was wrong.it didn’t turn out good today

vice versa it turn out awfully bad

suddenly i have the urge to listen to “bad day”

i am just so tired of all of this already

can i hide for awhile?

 

as i’m typing now i am sitting on a big tong of sugar in the kitchen

and just about an hour ago andy was telling ghost story

about how a little girl in the flour store room will always steal his cakes to eat

and now i got scared and shifted to the front of the shop

of course the story is not real but i just get the shivers down my spine when i’m in there

it’s going to be hard for me to fill up the moping water alone at night now

it just gets worse aint’t it?

 

sometimes i do feel that the things i do are not appreciated

or sometimes something other people do falls on my shoulder

and when that happens i stop trying to do the best at things that i’m suppose to do

or maybe i should say nobody notice the good things i’ve done and only the bad that i just gave up

i am not a type H personality person

sorry but i am just not suppose to be here

 

anyhow i’m tired and yes i didn’t went back to tampin

because i can’t do much to help.i accepted that fact

i helpless hopeless useless.i’m sorry.

 

ahh…i just feel so tired right now

i can’t wait to get back home and just hide in my tiny room

i somehow really need some peace right now

and i hate people even more now

if only i can run away

if only i have the courage to do so

 

i feel like going back to the kitchen now

it is warm and scary in there and i’m alone

but at least it is better than cold and cold out here right?

cold as in the temperature is cold and coldness between people

normally i am very nice to customer at this type of time

but now i can’t put on that smile anymore

 

7.50pm

i just stop trying to be good

i gave up.again.

everyone and then i fall into a endless stairwells of sorrow

but somehow something good will happen the next day

giving me the push that i very much needed

 

my sister woke me up minutes ago

WE HAVE ANOTHER NEW BABY FISH!!!

yeah…the third baby fish this month

as usual we scooped it out into a smaller ball

together with the other two children fishies

 

my sister is very excited over this till she can’t help it but to wake me up

but at least the disturb sleep today is worth it

we sat near the fish ball and look at the fishes swim for like HALF AN HOUR?

i know it’s long but somehow it’s very enjoyable

 

and i bought an algae eater yesterday

we named it DEXTER

the longkang fish as my sister like to call it we named it SUNNY SIAW

cause he is always crazy and is kinda glowingly red.therefore the name sunny siaw

then there’s MAMA fish.we don’t know if she’s the one that is giving birth to the little fishes

but because she is the fattest and the biggest we decided on that

the other fishies we didn’t named them cause it’s hard to differentiate

maybe after sometime we will

 

i think it’s a good start for today

it should turn out fine for the rest of the day

i hope

 

10.30am

shall bring the doggie out for a walk

then is work from 1pm to 9pm

some days i wake up in the morning

i open my eyes and see the sunshine

then i said to myself

"it’s good to be alive"

 

some days i wake up in the morning

i open my eyes and the sun is shining as usual

but i’ll say with a little disappointment in my little heart

"shit.i’m still alive.why am i still alive"

 

some days i wake up and i lay still in my bed

staring into empty spaces and listen quietly to everything

i accept the fact that i’m alive and say to myself

"today is going to be a great and happy day"

 

i think the one that i do the most is the third one

sometimes i feel it’s a big fat lie that i’m telling myself

that i’m cheating myself over and over again day after day

and i wonder why i still fall for it or should i say why do i believe in it

maybe it’s because i need a reason to get out of bed

a reason to walk out of the door to do the things i need to do

even if the reason is just something that isn’t really exist

 

i live therefore i’m alive?

or i’m alive therefore i live?

both i think

 

i wake up feeling life is beautiful and meaningful

therefore i do everything i can to get the best out of it

is those time that i feel i’m alive because i live a happy life

i eat because i want to stay alive not because i’m alive therefore i eat

the things i do do not stem from mere feeling of responsibilities

but the feel of being grateful that i’m living the life i want and being happy

 

on other days i wake up in the morning and i feel that i’m breathing

my senses are all working perfectly

i’m still alive.i’m still alive.

therefore i still have the responsibilities of being alive and continue being in that state

so i get out of bed and continue with life

eating,studying,working,going out.

but for what purpose?

i do not know

 

then why not end my own life a friend once asked me

i do not have the answer

i am not afraid of death

i am only afraid of dying

many times i sat in the express bus hoping that it’ll crash and i’ll die

but for that countless times everytime it reached the destination safely

i have this feeling of disappointment and relieve at the same time

sad that i have to live the pathetic live yet happy to still get to see my loved ones

at other time before i go to sleep i wish that i’ll never wake up the next morning

but when i did…well,it depends on how i see the world on that particular day

 

the question of why a person would want a child knowing that the child will cause anger and so much pain to the parents

and the child itself might even go through pain in life is the same as the question why do you want to live

there’s no definite answer

what is the purpose of studying?to get a good job.

what is the purpose of having a good job?so that can earn more money.

what is the purpose of earning more money?so that can a have a better life.

what is the purpose of having a better life? so that we can be happy?

but what is the ultimate purpose of life?

what if it’s like me.i have no purpose in life.

lost with no direction.

 

sometimes i just feel not worthy

sometimes i regret some decisions that i make

sometimes i wish i could change the decisions that i made

a friend asked me once that if i had only one chance to go back into the past and change something,what would i change?

that time i answered him that i would prevent the existence of myself,i’ll prevent me from coming into this world

it’ll be a lot a difference if i did not exist.yes.a lot.things would have been much better.in a way.

today i’ll still give the same answer to whoever that ask me that question

because i am not worthy of living

i almost died twice

once i almost drown

the other time i almost got hit by a bus

but i survive both

sometimes i wish the i didn’t

 

what am i to you?

how much do i worth to you?

i’m tired today.

today i wish that i’ll not be waking up tomorrow

even tho deep down inside i know i will

but if i a wish can come true

i don’t mind wishing for it

 

12.40am

went for movie with dear after work at summit

which movie we watch?

INCEPTION

the second time i’m watching it

the first time was with college mates after psychology finals

and the second time is with my ice cream dear

but i still enjoy it and because i want to teman my dear watch it

because you’re worth it my dear.=)

 

it’s funny how the same movie feels different when i watch it the first time and the second time

and the feeling of watching it with different people is very much different too

but both have the different enjoyable parts of it

 

all i can say that it’s a good movie and it’s worth the money

a dream within a dream.am i certain that i’m not in a dream?

is the world i’m living in now reality or just a dream?

and i believe inception can be done without even being in a dream

the mind is a powerful tool and weapon yet a very dangerous place to be in

 

1am

time to finish my bueno then sleep lor.

HAHA…it’s actually lemon poppy seed muffins. i know it has nothing to do with marry poppins but somehow it keeps reminding me about her.

My muffin tray was too big for my cute little oven.SAD.=(

But it’s okay,i can always IMPROVISE. Use cupcake cups!!

So it’s called marry poppins muffcup!!! LOL

Well they didn’t rise enough and produce the crack at the top as i expected it would except for a few but the taste was fine.

My sister said that it’s not sweet enough.But i think it’s just fine cause i don’t like it to be sweet.

There’s half a lemon more in the fridge.Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.=)

the remaining batter i bake them in mini muffin moulds. SO CUTE!!! =)

today an old friend or perhaps a long lost friend called me up

she was crying on the other end of the line

she wanted to get away from home get away from tampin

she had an argument with her mother about furthering she studies

she told me that she wanted to continue her studies but then said it was a foolish thought

all because she’s old and she thinks it’s too late

but it’s never too late to start tertiary education,right?

or maybe it’s because of financial problem

she didn’t really want to tell me tho

all i can do is listen

 

i can understand the feeling of running away from home

the urge to just leave everything behind and go somewhere new

some place where nobody knows you nor going to restrict you

that’s why when she said she wants to come to kl i offered her my place

it’s not really my place and i need approval from my brother in law

but i didn’t really thought of it at that time,it can be sorted out later

i just want to try my very best to help her because she did the same for me too

 

when i first broke up she was always there for me in tampin

she brought me out to pasar malam and other places

altho it hurts sometimes to see her and her bf so sweet together

i know that she didn’t meant it in any way to hurt me and just wanted to be there for me

i even slept at her house because i just couldn’t stand it anymore

i just wanted to leave my home for a while

that night i cried myself to sleep in her bed

 

sometimes i feel so tiny and helpless because i want to help my friends that i love but i just couldn't do much

financialy i am not stable enough, experience i am lacking as well and wise advice is certainly something i lack of

觉得很无奈很无助，很无能为力。 want to help but there’s nothing that i can help

but ice cream dear says that it’s enough for me to just be there for her

maybe it’s true.that’s why i’m going to try to sort things out and maybe go back tampin this friday to see her

 

p/s: she said my ice cream dear looks better than my ex.he looks more nice/handsome and *cough cough* manly. ice cream dear was so happy to hear that.my silly ice cream.xD

 

12.15am

it’s been almost 10 days since i blog

i have lots of catching up to do

but i think i’ll be MIA for a while again

my life is a little too busy nowadays xD

being a friend i don't mind giving my opinions and helping you
but now i think i may have seen the true side of you and may have been wrong the whole way
if you are not open to opinions and think that what i said is just total rubbish
then i am truly sorry to say that i won't help you and i don't think you are a good person for my best friend
if what other people trying to to say or do for you is all rubbish then you are the one that is just rubbish
enough for me to just throw into the bin and let the rubbish truck crush you to pieces
i will not safe nor help you anymore.i won't help ppl that do not appreciate my help.

what do i want to do with my life?

i want to spend my whole life with you

=)

我想迷失在岁月的漩涡中

happiness is a place to visit not a place to stay

the other day i said the following days would be great

yeah it turn out very awesome indeed

much better than i expected

more than i could ask for

i am grateful for that =)

 

pictures worth a thousand words.so let’s begin.

so yeah i collected my camera on friday after ice cream finish his work at the bakery

at first the person didn’t gave me a casing for my camera

but i specifically  remember they said they would give me a hard casing the other day

so in the end the guy gave me this pink hard casing for free

the grumpy indian guy was not there

so the chinese guy,the one i mentioned the other day just gave it to me

i am so going back there next time i want to buy stuff

thank you so much to him.so grateful for that

i dun know how to take picture of the new cam so only took picture of the casing xD

 

on that very same day my sister bought me a MUFFINS RECIPE BOOK!!!

she went out in the afternoon to mph alone and when she came back she handed it over to me

i was stunned there awhile.yeah she loves me a lot and i admit i loves her too altho i complain a lot about her xD

we are getting ready for our project in september and this is part of the preparation

i hope that everything will goes well and we can have lots of fun together

hip hip hooray!!!

 

ahh….my sunglasses bought from daiso the other day

ice cream dear also bought one but his one is much macho lol

the cheapest sunglasses ever.rm5 only.can you imagine that?RM5 ONLY!!!

yeah that day was a memorable day too.thanks to my dear that loves to give me surprises

was working that day and decided to watch toy story after my work

so hsiang said he’ll get the tickets for sunway online or something la

but when he came to fetch me he said sunway no tickets go ioi puchong watch

okay lor.we go there queue up to buy tickets but the person say only left the front 2 rows

sienz…so i say i go see got what other movie we can watch

so i look up at the screen.u know cinema always put the tv near the ceiling wan that type

then hsiang he came over and said “eh dear look!!got ppl drop movie tickets.”

then he bend down and pick it up “toy story3 9.40pm.wah so lucky”

i was like so happy so happy but then stop and think a while

so coincidence wan?so i look at him then he started laughing

i kena trick.i so blur go believe him.but thank you dear.i love that surprise

he purposely went all the way from subang to puchong in the afternoon to get the tickets before it sold out

my silly dear always do silly stuff for me.that’s my hsiang for you.=)

 

then the other day.(sorry i keep using “the other day”) we went to empire gallery after my work at the bakery.

went to pets more i feel for this cute little hamster and we bought her straight away

we named her “JULIET” which i don’t know the reason behind it

but i call her “JUJU” now and she totally LOVES carrots

she is really very pretty and smart

thank you dear.=)

 

just testing out my camera

this is how messy my tables looks like everyday

and i only have that small little mirror to use besides the one in the bathroom

i remember early this year before we went to souled out for ezen,kelvin and my birthday dinner

the girls came to my house to dress up after class.they were complaining my mirror is too small

haha…but somehow i survive with that small little mirror till now.

 

saturday went to ice cream dear’s school carnival

we played the fishing thingy!!!it was FUN FUN FUN!!!

hsiang very pro one net catch SEVEN fishy

for me i caught TWO only but i’m still proud of myself

hey not easy wan you know.hehe…

now the fishies are in a fish bowl in my room

shall take picture of them next time when i’m free

 

 

i take picture of you, you take picture of me

we are obsess of taking pictures. xD

 

 

my brunch at the carnival.this cost us rm5 but oh well the money goes to the school funds.so no harm.

 

the shirt i bought for dear from my singapore trip

p/s: his spouse is me.dun you dare give him any beer or i shall head hunt you down.grr…

 

ice cream dear’s mom and elder brother jien.

aunty kuan talked to me a lot about hsiang when hsiang was away fetching his brother

but shall not talk about it here.it’s our little secret.hehe…

 

the biggest secondary school carnival i have even been to

7 ghost houses.can you  imagine that?SEVEN!!!

but i didn’t enter even one.call me a chicken whatever i dun care.blek!

oh and there was a stall selling fresh vege?in a school carnival?that’s odd…

 

wei wei opened a game store and earned tons of money

but i just enjoy looking at the players face concentrating on the game

oh and wei wei is the master of the game

anyone that is able to beat him will get to bring home a hamper worth RM50

but of course no one beat him cause he is the MASTER

including the jerk below that challenged him 3 times and just wouldn’t give up

11.17pm

FIFA FINALS TODAY

should i watch?

seriously,anything is so much better than reading sales

tell me something that i don't know cause i want to know very badly
tell me if you can see him and me in the future happily laughing together
(just a random thought)

went to lookout point with my honey for dinner
it's her wish her dream ever since a year or two ago
i can't remember specifically when tho but it does not really matter anymore
as for the reason.only she knows, i know and whoever she told knows

i believe that when we go to places we will leave traces of memory
when we go back there we that memory kinda of relieve itself
but when those memory that was once sweet turns bitter
we would want to erase it but that's impossible
because we can't erase the past

when that happens all that we want to do is forget
some we could just let it past but memory will just stay
so the only option is to go back to that place and face it
it really takes a lot of courage and determination to do so
then we would want to try to replace that memory of that place with a better experience
sometimes it works sometime it doesn't so all that we can do is keep trying

i'm proud of my honey
she is my best friend and will always be until fate brings us apart
i am not sure if i have been a good friend to her in the past but i'll keep trying to be one

2.23am
time to sleep.
goodnight

what a day for me.phew.but it was a GREAT day indeed

i feel contend happy satisfied positive etc

a big smile on my face at the end of the day =)

 

woke up extremely late again today

can’t seem to wake up early although i slept at 10.30pm last night

grr…not early enough meh? i really pig la.must change must change

anyway played facebook awhile as usual to harvest my cakes in the bakery

then cooked lunch for sister and me.spaghetti with carrots only.

the only thing that was in the fridge.so sad our fridge is so empty.=(

after that study study study study until 2pm before getting ready for work

work as usual the the bakery was fun.the pak cik bring his cucu again today

he damn sayang his cucu de lor. everyday bring his cucu come eat ice cream or cake

when i get a camera i shall take picture of them together

oh oh!!i’m going to collect my camera tomorrow!!*excited excited excited*

 

study a bit of psycho at the bakery then evening hsaing came and let me play plant vs zombie

hehehe…the game is in his laptop so that even if i’m addicted to it i have no access to it

when i can’t play it i will study.same goes to “the sims”. damn smart right?xD

then at night went for bak kut teh session with hsiang and emily at ss14 after closing the shop

i tell u ar we damn loud and noisy lor.i swear the whole jalan can hear us edi.LOL

we talk so loud and laugh so loud talking about things that happen in the bakery and other stuff

 

ahh…it’s a great day.the coming few days will be great too.but shall keep it till the time comes.shh…=)

 

11.39pm

time to bath and study a little bit more

oh did i mentioned it’s feels so good to be working at the bakery?

it feels like ohana.it means family if you don’t know.*go watch lilo and stitch* =P

ain't feeling that good today
somehow the feeling is not there not right
trying to make myself happy by thinking of happy little things that happen today

watched replay of football with my sister in the afternoon
we enjoyed looking at people's reaction and the footballer's hairstyle
yeap.we didn't have a clue about what's going on with the game
we just talk about things that appears interesting to us
even the name of the player.diego something.it reminded us of the sabertooth in iceage

then my sister and i decided on a project
to open a stall at the flea market in amcorp mall
she'll sell her beautiful paintings and little angels
i'll sell some cookies and cupcakes i guess
am looking forward to it.it'll be fun.lots of fun.=)

at night went for a haircut at apt in taipan
ice cream dear also cut his hair
not bad la.nothing special
just that my hair is shorter and no that curly anymore
just hair.damn i'm really low on spirit today

9.52pm
have to study psycho
it's like i just can't finish reading it
and i still have sales to study
sienz...

is it me or did i just got spam at my chat box?

1.01pm
studying psycho still

i have no idea why she always does this to me
what did i ever do wrong?
woke up feeling great and wished her good morning (although it's almost 12pm la)
but the next thing i know she just lash her anger at me
for reasons i completely have no idea of
everything she asked me or talked to me after that is like very unhappy
the way she talk walk even close the door
i am really clueless now
what did i do wrong?
damn sienz.

12.12pm

today is a GREAT day

 

closed a sale

my first and only sale in these 3 days

so happy till can fly edi

a rm64.50 emulsion

40ml only

damn expensive

 

then meet up with my honey and ice cream dear

made my honey buy hair products from another promoter

and she did buy.LOL.now i feel bad

 

after that they teman me surveying camera

been doing that since friday.everyday check out cameras only

think think think.consider consider consider.

change my mind.hesitate.change my mind again.hesitate again

survey again.ask here ask there again.

and the cycle keeps going on and on

so at last went back to harvey norman and think again

compare lumix and sony again and again

until at last  the two cannot tahan me edi

so they say things that made me made up my mind

SONY TX5

WATERPROOF SHOCKPROOF DUST PROOF

but red color no stock so have to order

but still buy there cause i like the customer service the guy gave

i kacau him everyday ask stupid question but he still layan me

so people if you all want to buy camera especially lumix camera

go midvalley harvey norman and look for the chinese guy wearing panasonic red shirt

DO NOT.i say DO NOT find the indian guy.he gives damn bad customer service wan

he ignore me and give me that beh song face.me no likey him.grr….

 

after that we went shisha

ahh…so long nv shisha edi

but arab shop change owner edi

so sad the old shisha guy no there edi

he want back to his home country =(

anyway yee yang didn’t make it again today

but nvm la.shall go out another day

and the next session he is paying

muahaha…

 

"first priority getting back home

second priority koh guat ai and pok wern hsiang

third priority my laptop

last priority yee yang

cause laptop is my property yee yang is not"

quoted from my honey

 

*cough cough*

i think they might have a chance

am so excited like watching drama

XD

 

taking a break at the arab shop

zzz…zzz…zzz…

 

1.42am

ai kun lor

nite nite

tomorrow will baca buku lor

last day of work in wellness midvalley today

for now i’ll stop promoter job and concentrate on finals exam

but gonna miss the job.a lot.

the experience was good

 

one thing i like about promoter job is that i get to meet new people

i meet new people almost every week

but these people i’ll know them for only that 3 days

then they are gone like the wind

we walk pass each other lives without leaving any traces

however, within that 3 days we take care of each other

we talk we laugh we eat and we complain together

but at the end of the job we said good bye without feeling sad nor happy

naturally everything came to an end without anyone noticing it’s the end

nor expecting to see each other again

the kindness we gave to each other is magical

makes me believe the world ain’t that bad

 

anyway,gambateh to me

wish me luck so i can close sales today

=)

 

me playing dear’s dslr

not bad right my photography?

XD

sister 350D dslr she so kind lent to her friend for 3 months

brother in law dslr 50D value almost 10k plus the lens, i want touch also don’t dare

digital camera also i don’t have.phone camera quality not good enough

damn sad.no camera to use at all

so pinjam ice cream dear‘s dslr

but settings i still learning so struggle a bit here and there la

it turned out fine tho.*happy*

 

baked cookies the other day and made one extra huge with colorful stars specially for my dear

but a bit “chao da” cause i forgot about the cookies in the oven

i normally set timer longer so this is the outcome

lesson is don’t set timer over than the time given xD

anyway,the cookie was so big that i dun have any tupperware big enough to store it

in the end masuk angin but my dear still finish it.silly him.thank you dear.*hugs*

it has been a great day today

it’s been awhile since i last had that feeling

the feeling that the day is meaningful,happy and productive

 

funny things happen in front of the library

with an indian guy who failed epically in trying to hit on ezen

while alicia and i sitting at the side pretending to be busy and curi dengar

and clueless of what to do in that situation

 

then was the things ice cream dear told me about andy,again

andy kinda like to kacau him in very “dirty” ways

today was about panadol

andy was having headache so emily offered him panadol and hsiang like just say “yalah,take some panadol”

but then he look at hsiang and said in a very geli way “i dun want that panadol,i want your panadol”

then there was the awkward silence

my boyfriend is being harass by andy almost everyday but i don’t really mind it

in fact i find joy and fun teasing him about being a gay magnet

but i’m not saying that andy is gay,he is not gay,i think…he is just being playful

 

then was the phone battery dying part

hsiang phone died in the morning that i have to fb his mom to wake him up for work

then in the evening my phone pulak battery mati

luckily he clever to find me in library although i did fb yee yang to help msg him

both our phones died today.how nice is that huh?

 

had snowflake.oh my god it is so sedap

i like never ear snowflake for so long already

damn enjoy till gao gao lor

we ate it under the trees some more

damn relaxing.xD

 

at night had the urge to bake cinnamon rolls

but so sad no ingredients so ended up baking oatmeal choc chip cookies

can  do la although not sweet enough

 

then just now i went to my sister blog

she really can take very nice pictures

and found out that 1 of the 5 things she enjoys is “movie night with little sister”

then i like emo abit edi.so long never have movie night with her already

so long never spend time with her edi.i must fit that into my busy schedule

because she is my sister. check out her blog HERE

if you like looking at pictures you’ll enjoy her blog

believe me.=)

 

1,22am

june is over edi lor.

new month new beginning =)

i think i should go to bed

nite nite!!

i may complain i may whined about my life

but there’s nothing that i can do to change it, can i?

this is my life.c’est ma vie.

 

psycho test was okay for some part while bad for some

all i can do is cross my finger and hope for the best

miss khor was kind enough to extend the dateline for the assignment to Wednesday

because we have sales midterm to study for tomorrow

but i have no book to study.how?

will be going to college at 6pm to borrow the red spot book

luckily i am a regular at the library that they kind enough to me

just hope that got book la

 

c’est ma vie

good at time bad at the others

hoping it will be all over soon

 

4.58pm

can’t wait to go to the beach

 

type A people: get ENRAGED and THROW the lemons back, having a minor heart  attack while doing so

 

type B people: gather all the lemons and make LEMONADE

 

type C people: don’t say a thing but fume INSIDE where no one can see

 

type H people: gather all the lemons,make lemonades,SELL it,turn it into a franchise business, and make MILLIONS$$$

 

Studied a little psycho before going to work,it’s very interesting.

i think i’m type C. thus i’m prone to having cancer.xD

what type do you think you are?

 

psycho test is three chapter and i only finished half of the first chapter

how la to survive? tonight come back from work also so late edi.

need all the energy i can get.grr…gambateh

 

10.16am

 

it’s been hard lately

the feeling of tightness in the chest is always there

it won’t go away i can hardly breath properly

trying to make myself happy by looking at pictures

just trying to see if it will help

 

discovering a nice place to dine and relax

looking at the sky and clouds

beautiful sunset on the way home

taking pictures of unique lights

secretly taking pictures of friends

  playing HAPPY FAMILY card game while waiting for food

spongebob cake!!!

funny and random things we do in the bakery

crayon simchan cake

looking and drooling for another of andy’s marvelous creation

a gigantic cookie monster cake

cute winnie the pooh and friends cup cake

 

9.10am

have to go work in bandar putri puchong soon

trying to be positive today

psychology assignment,psychology test and sales midterm

can i handle them all in one go?

good luck to me

i’m tired i’m just tired i’m too tired

is the feeling of being so tired that i have to drag myself to do everything

the feeling of so tired that i want to just stop and just sit wherever i was

but no i can’t do that so i continue dragging and pushing myself

some people say we need to push ourselves forward

but is that good is that how it should be?

 

i know he meant good to come surprise me

but sometimes it burdens me in way that he doesn’t know or think

i don’t mind spending time with him during my free time even during my short breaks

but disturbing me during working time is another matter

i have enough to handle and that surprise you gave me doesn’t help

it just add to my burden and feeling of guilt

because i can’t put my things down to teman you

and because i have store managers eyes on me

it just makes me really tired

you just don’t understand

you don’t think about consequences that i might face cause of that

please don’t do that again i’m having enough things to handle and to worry about

i don’t need more

 

10.40pm

first day sales=rm0

good night

i fail terribly today

i fail to play my part as the presenter

i fail to present the finding at the last minute

i am terribly sorry to everyone in my group

i am very very very sorry i failed so badly

 

skipping sales management class to prepare wasn’t good enough

the worst part was my friends skipped the class to help me out as well

but i failed.effort made by them but i failed to present. i failed.

 

why am i such a failure?

why other people can do but i can’t?

why i keep causing problems for others?

why can’t i be better than what i am now?

why am i so useless?

 

was crying in the toilet today in college

it felt so safe in there alone

that small cubicle is like a safe house

every time i opened the door i felt so vulnerable

so i closed the door again and continue sitting inside

 

what am i still doing here?

all i know is to hide and cry when i’m afraid or there’s something i can’t overcome

such a simple thing as presenting also i can’t do it

why?why?why?i don’t understand why.i don’t understand why i’m so useless

 

i’m so sorry i failed.

thank you ezen for presenting

 

p/s: didn’t ate mc donald’s ice cream as planned cause my failure ruin the mood for doing so.=(

       sorry i ezen i don’t know what to reply you when you message me

i finally broke down today
i am no supergirl i am no strong enough
or maybe i am not as strong as i think i am

the feeling of being a trouble to almost everyone around me is is...i don't know the word to describe it
the feeling of being a trouble and unwanted....i am a trouble for my sister,her parents in-laws,my parents,my eldest sister,hsiang,my friends,my employer...etc...just everyone...

the bubble inside me just burst
feeling frustrated and stress and anger and a whole lot of negative feeling
small little expectations from so many people build up stress inside of me
expectation from my parents that i can do well in my studies and work well to take care of myself
expectation from my second sister and eldest sister to get good result
expectation from hsiang expectation from friends expectation from my agent to meet sales target
little by little that it accumulated that it became so big
but i was able to sustain it although i was barely coping with everything while grasping for air
but today is a bad day and it disrupted the balance and it burst
i'm frustrated and screaming in my heart so hard that i want to be free
but can anyone hear me?no. so i close the door and cry in my room

the unpleasantness happen this afternoon i was willing to put aside and let myself cool down
cleaned my room,did laundry changed the sheets and had an sweet afternoon nap
then i read what he wrote...and that was it...
went to dinner at 6.30pm,was happy thinking that will be back early so i can do assignment
ended up being there till 8.30pm cause brother in law went out to fetch his father in petaling
have you any idea how jam is it to go out 6pm+ and come back
how long we have to waited
then was the other thing that happen

i'm emotionally unstable now
the string of events that happened today triggered the sensitive part of me and now i'm down flat
everything that i have to do is in a standstill mode
i know i need to do my assignment and i have to
i will skip sales class tomorrow so i can burn the midnight oil tonight

i'm a person who keep unhappy things inside of me
that's not good cause it will build up gradually
i need someone to talk to
but i don't know who...
someone that is not here

 

there’s a batch of new stuff at the bakery last week

all the staff love them so much

each of us can’t help it but to play with them

including ME =)

most importantly they are COLORFUL!!!

 

each day is a GIFT

NOT a given right

 

3.33pm

giving myself some alone time

psycho says i should give some time to myself to do something i love